Life: A Tangled Maze

It stings when good friendships turn into dust. A lot of times I feel it's unfortunate that no two entities can be on the same page. Life would seem so much easier then, I like to think. But this is also momentary; this relationship shall once again rise up from dust and reach a turn where each accepts and respects the page the other is on :). Amen.

Slept, pretty much, the entire day yesterday (Friday). I convinced myself that I was catching up on sleep, but in reality the more I slept the sleepier I got. Even depressive. Gotta consciously keep a hold on my lazy instincts.

I feel my roommates are like my family. And I love that feeling!

I used to think that people are more accepting of friends because in a way they're not directly involved and it's easier to accept one's faults when you don't have to deal with them on a regular basis. Now, however, I'm starting to think that families rate much, much higher because, although initially they may throw a tantrum or create a fuss about whatever seems out of the ordinary, once they come to terms with it, they stand tall and strong even when someone tries to push 'em down. Yeah, I know that most of the world thinks family is forever and it must come as a surprise that I am only now(!) realizing this. But while growing up, the person who influenced me the most had her own qualms about life based on her past experiences. Which, although weren't my own thoughts and beliefs, put a major impact on the way I saw things, intensely affected how I dealt with situations. I will not say that I feel unfortunate that my surroundings have affected me negatively at times, because there have been many more positive influences as well. I do, however, feel lucky to have been able to experience and interact with life so much that I can develop my own beliefs and opinions. Ideas that are my own and so strong that I can feel confident in rejecting what I learned at an impressionable age.

The above realization has nothing to do with my family. Extended or immediate. My family is not a family. It's just a word. Extended and immediate. Though, I have to admit that sometimes they surprise me with their family-like behavior.

I don't like to believe in luck. But since recently, I'm starting to feel that I am one lucky kid! I feel I've had it easy. Or may be not. May be it's all about how me, myself, and I perceive things. Because when I start thinking about the most recent crap (past 5-10 years), it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all. At one point I was even suicidal. That sounds horrible! That's the lowest someone can reach! But(!), I rose above either because of courage or because of cowardice. In my head it was cowardice. Nonetheless, I rose above and today after being past all that I feel I'm lucky. So, it's all about how the individual perceives things. We have to find faith within. No God helped me through, because I don't believe in that shit. I believed in myself. And I'm lucky that I had the courage to do just that - believe in self, instead of an outside phenomenon.

I may be getting better at suno sabki, karo apni (listen to everyone, but do what makes sense to you). However, it's unfortunate that people take it as an insult when they see that I decide not to do as they suggest and mis-categorize it as me not listening to them. Whereas to me it's just a matter of dealing with things differently because of being a different person with different experiences that lead to differing opinions and beliefs and actions. But unfortunately, feeling rejected dents one's ego and gives rise to conflict which leads to unnecessary tension that, quite simply, is made up! A figment! Life would be so easy if we just accepted people for who they are instead of forcing them to mold into our definition of perfection. How true does this sound: "I will love you if and only if you change yourself"? That's fake love! Thanks but no thanks, dear well-wisher :).

Life is so beautifully complicated! It's amazing! :D

Date of Death: Unknown

Yesterday, on January 25 '11, a man named Emmanual Hammond was executed in the state of Georgia. I had never heard his name before around 9 in the morning that day when I came across this BBC news article.

Day before yesterday, on January 24 '11 sometime around 11 o'clock in the morning, my Intro to Graphic Design teacher mentioned that his "wife's client will be executed tomorrow" and during her recent visit with him, a conversation went as such:

Him: So, what're you gonna do with your life?

Her: Buying a farm, we'll grow organic stuff.

Him: Well, you can't wear all black and high heals there! :D

note: teacher's wife is black-crazy.

The information learned on Monday was not at all ordinary, but I forgot about it as quickly and easily as it had entered my knowledge base. The information learned on Tuesday, however, made me realize that Hammond and I only had 3 (or would it be considered 2?) degrees of separation between us. Just because the article mentioned his name, my psyche promoted him from a cliental entity to a full fledged human being. I wondered about his question: "So, what're you gonna do with your life?". I wondered what he did with his life during all those days when he knew for a fact that he was only moving closer to the end as each moment passed. I wondered how every person on this earth faces what comes, because, well, doesn't everyone know for a fact that they are getting closer to the end of their lives, too? And then I wondered, what I would do if I knew that today I would breath my last.

Surprisingly, the answer did not have any skydiving or amusement park trips planned. Neither did I see myself calling or emailing everyone I know or care about. No skipping school or work, either. And not even a hint of sorrow. Instead, I saw myself driving to school - as I was doing while thinking about this - and not speeding, even though I was late. I imagined myself in class, not day-dreaming, but utilizing every minute to work on what was assigned. Applying myself fully to the tools at hand, be it paper and pencil or screen and mouse. If I knew that I was to die tomorrow, I would live my last day on earth completely submerged in the moment. Submerged in my daily reality, in the routine of what my duties demand. For that is the real me, that is what gives me my identity. And I'd want to be Geetali for every single moment of that day. And why just that day? Why not every day? Why not every moment? Because, when I walk out the door in about fifteen-minutes to hit Kroger and Unit2Fitness, I may die! I may even die before that. My misfortune, unlike Hammond's, is that I don't know my date of death and unfortunately that makes me take life for granted and lose the precious moments that only I have the power of making beautiful by the power of my being in the moment.

What are you going to do with your life?

What A Life!

Note: Don't get critical about the crappy writing style, focus on content instead - specially from 3rd paragraph, starting with "In other news..."

Written: Jan 23 '11

I'm in Jonesboro today, which is where my parents live. Woke up at 7:30 in the the morning after only about a five hour sleep which was preceded by a long chat with Sindhu (roomie), which was preceded by hours of game play at Dave & Buster's with a bunch of friends, which was preceded by work and a quick meet with a friend at the Auto Show being held at the Georgia World Congress Center - I wasn't interested in the cars though, my attention was on typography, instead :) - which was preceded by a happy start to Saturday morning after only about a four to five hour sleep, which was preceded by a long chat with Nammo (roomie), which was accompanied by Zinfandel - drinking started around 8 in the evening on Friday night - the chat was preceded by all four roomies - Harini, Namrata, Sindhu, and I - watching Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge and praising Shahrukh Khan without stop ;), which was preceded by a beautiful evening of poetry at Proma's while Poet Dude was visiting from Boston. Whew! 30 happenin' hours! Wonderfully refreshing!

I reached home this morning around 8:45. Had told dad a few days back that I'll be home early and he doubted my abilities, had to accept the challenge and shot up at the first sound of the alarm. At home, papa was showing off the Netfilx, Blue-ray combo and started playing Guzaarish. He left in the middle due to work but I was hooked! What an amazingly beautiful film! Everything about it is just beautiful: story, actors, acting, sets, songs, direction, you name it! Hrithik Roshan is such a wonderful actor, well, everyone acted exceptionally well in this movie. If you haven't already, watch it!

In other news, in the past week I met three of the people I look up to, consider my role models in some way or another. And for the first time I wasn't starstruck. After observing and listening to them intently, they transformed from being god-like figures to normal human beings, people who make mistakes, people who lose temper, people who can be irrational and judgmental at times, people just like me! This doesn't mean my respect has gone down, not even a bit. In stead, it has now switched to an interesting combination of more respect and more relatability. They, their ideas, their actions, their abilities, their perseverance, their courage doesn't seem so far fetched anymore. They are also human with emotional needs that needed to be either fulfilled or conquered for them to become the pillar they are today. And it doesn't end there. It is a life long process that they continuously fight, but at times can't help getting sucked in. They are just like me! Seeing that confusion, that irrationality in their faces and voices and past and present tales tells me that I too, just like them, can get past the hurdles and come out shining as long as I apply myself and do not give up. Thank you, Khuda, for showing me this light :)

Added: Jan 24 '11

In addition, the above observation cum realization may have also pushed me in the direction of being less judgmental. When I don't like something about a person, instead of jumping to the conclusion that they're incompetent, I have the option of accepting that 1) they may be going through a bad phase, or 2) they are just different than myself, and that's okay! It's absolutely okay.

Adding on to the "it's okay" state-of-mind: unhappy arguments and conflicts that don't result into anything but hurt, aren't taking a toll on me these days. Yes, they hurt. But that's it. I move past them as soon as I accept that I've been hurt. I don't turn around to hurt the source in return, and it's cool. One may think that this may be piling underneath the surface to erupt at a future date, but nothing is piling up! I don't feel heavy at all. I'm light. And I'm happy. I've been saying, "I'm happy!" so much lately, that I'm starting to wonder if it's a lie - but no, I have real happiness on my face! Then I wonder if it's a mistake, a dream. And I can't really deny that, because I feel life is a dream. Each moment a reality when in it, once past it, once it's no longer a reality of the present moment but a mere memory, it starts to have a dreamlike feel, doesn't it? For that matter even when we are dreaming, it feels real when in it. So whatever it may be, however long it may last, this continuous smile is my present reality.

Although I haven't been meditating, Vipassana is the definite culprit :). It is the one that helped me reach this state and the one that helps me accept and move past things on a moment to moment basis. It is the one that helps me smile :) ...and for the past few days, I'm overflowing with love. Unconditional love. I love everyone and everything around me. Sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I don't know how or where to direct it. My eyesight becomes hazy, because it's so effin' full of love! WOW. I've never been here before. And although adjusting is taking some time, I definitely like it here :)

Designer, in training.

Today was the first day of my second Typography class of the week. Went to the first one yesterday, but learned the same evening that I was being kicked out of it since there had been a glich with the system and the student who's seat I had grabbed was dropped out of that class mistakenly. Lucky me is back in the same night class I had so elegantly dodged. Oh well. The evening class dude seems cool and dedicated and I feel I wouldn't mind not reaching home until after 10 O'clock every Thursday if my sixth sense is sensing it right.

While going over typography nomenclature in class, we hit river, orphan and widow. Immediately I went from partly paying attention and partly dozing off to completely recalling my high school years when I wasted most of my time trying to avoid these exact things while trying to write scholarly essays and satires that went above and beyond the expectations of Mr. Kirk and Ms. Schernekau.

It makes me happy.

And it makes me sad.

Then I come back to reality and accept the fact.

Happy because I've always had this in me. Naturally.

Sad because I didn't know what it meant. 'cause no one could point me towards the direction in my head.

And then I accept it, because I'm here now. And it's not too late. Not too late to fret at all.

:)

arre bhaiya all iz well

Happy and Merry

Today, like the past few days, was another round of happyness and merryness (misspelled on purpose :). The day started not as early as planned but ended up being more productive than the entire last week, combined! School, classwork, job, high priority errands, cooking turn, workout, homework, socializing, everything. I accomplished everything anticipated and more!

It is true: beauty does lie in the eye of the beholder. These days everything around me is beautiful, even when it's not! I smile. I radiate. And no, I'm not in love! At least not in love with another individual. Just content and comfortable with where I am, but still have that motivating drive encouraging me to keep going. Comfortable but not lazy. Content but still thirsty.

My third annual round of self-exploration just came to an end and this is where I end. Happy and Merry. May have figured out more concrete stuff this time around, or may be it's an illusion because it's a build up upon the past two years. Either way, I'm happy. And I'm merry.

…and when I'm happy and merry I cook what I don't cook other wise to share the happyness and merryness with, I guess, my family - roomies :). Today was a Chipotle-copy-cat meal. Turned out well.

That's about it. I don't know what more I want to say. Just wanted to record this happyness and merryness.

Atlanta Snow Week

Atlanta and surrounding areas have been snowed in since Sunday (Jan 9) evening. Large part of Georgia came to a screeching halt and schools, offices, stores were closed on Monday and Tuesday. Things started picking up today, Wednesday... but the road conditions haven't improved much on the outskirts, i.e. outside downtown or midtown Atlanta. More places will start opening their doors tomorrow (Thursday), but they're being cautious by starting late (Georgia Tech at 10a, Art Institute at noon), but many continue to play it safe by declaring another day off.

In all this chaos, instead of enjoying this unexpected extra time with self or with family or by doing something that they had been putting off because of the lack of time, people continue to complain. When suspected that Ai may not resume classes on Thursday either, I read students writing on Facebook how disappointed they were; and then when we learnt that school will indeed be open starting noon (still not sure, we'll know the real deal tomorrow) students started cribbing about the serious icy road conditions. It's really mind boggling. Do we really, always, want what we don't get?! WHY?

I came back from a 10 day Vipassana course on Friday, Jan 7. And thank god I did it when I did (wish I could've done it sooner though). Through all this snow and ice mayhem, I've been sitting and observing peoples reactions. Not at all ideal. They do - and I can't figure out why - continue to make themselves miserable based on something that's not even in their control! Wow, indeed. So what if you get another week off school. So what if you can't go anywhere. So what if school will drag into another week at quarter or semester end. So what if you'll have to move around some plans. You can't fight with anybody about it, damn it! What're you gonna do? Punch nature in its face? Psh! Read a book. Watch movies. Play board games. Get to know your roommates. Do something you haven't done in forever or ever. There's no lack of things to do, even if you can't step outside.

Live in the moment, Atlanta. You may miss it when it's gone; and it will be gone. Impermanence is how nature works, just observe how long it lasts, objectively, without identifying yourself with it - Vipassana words :)

Happy Ice and Snow week! Peace, Atlanta 2011.