Hauntingly Beautiful

“Creativity is essentially a lonely art. An even lonelier struggle. To some a blessing. To others a curse. It is in reality, the ability to reach inside yourself and drag forth from your very soul an idea.” —Lou Dorfsman

My mouth hurts. Wisdom is painful.

I think this mouth-hurting business is an yearly event in my date-book. Last time wisdom started throbbing was indeed around this time in 2010. I have learned to accept it as a part of life after, uh, how many years has it been? Three, may be four. I don't know. Definitely the number that starts emerging patterns. Five? And(!), takes you to a point of knowing, experientially, that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so shut up and keep dancing! Like a period, you know. First few years are a part of learning. Being miserable. Crying, making faces, and yelling 'mommy'. Eventually you experientially learn that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so shut up and keep dancing! Or like a heartbreak. I don't know about you folks, but love isn't forever. Neither does it happen only once (Shahrukh Khan is a liar!). The first time your heart shatters, it takes a long, long time to mend. Took me 6 years. I was 16. Each time after that is probably as painful and depressing as the first, probably more, but having been through it before helps you learn, experientially, that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so keep dancing, baby!

Going back to my wisdomy-ness. I really can't do anything about it. Knife is not an option. I don't trust people with knifes, especially if there goal is to use that knife upon me. People are humans, man. Humans are like you and me. We make mistakes. Hell, I'm reading this book that encourages making mistakes. Says that's the only way we learn. True. I agree with the book. And I chose to make the mistake of experiencing wisdom on a yearly basis.

Book Recommendation - Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error by Kathryn Schulz. 

TEDTalk here - highly recommended!

Something must've happened when I was younger, unborn, or another human. This knife-fearing business must be coming from somewhere!

In other news: I fear sleep. In the fear of getting too much sleep, I end up depriving myself of it, to eventually fall down and snooze for 10-12 hours. I see the problem. I see the pattern. However, I'm too fearful to figure out what to do about it. Getting into bed is a problem. Getting out out of bed is a problem. And it's taking a toll on my productivity, and physical and mental well being. "Help, I need somebody." -Beatles.

Growing up is the shit!

My being is shadowed by a hint of sadness these days. Only when I'm alone though. And in my alone-ness, I observe a hint of pain right below my chest and above my stomach. Emotional pain, nothing medical doctors can do anything about. I'm not sure if the pain is more or less than what I'm perceiving. Focusing on it, makes it go boom-boom... but it never comes close the point of un-bearing, distances from it! And whether or not I focus on it, I can go about with my day. This thing within me is not a hindrance. A huge leap from past times when emotions would completely overcast the present, leaving me paralyzed for days, weeks, even months at a time.

I like to think I'm becoming immune. The thought that may be 'this wasn't that big a deal' crossed my mind, but that's not true at all. It was, err, is a big deal! Like all other deals that affect me deeply. It not feeling like a big deal, however, is a different story. It's a matter of immunity, it's a matter of having been there before, it's a matter of having learnt things from the past. And it's my body which has learnt stuff because my mind wants to dwell on it,  just doesn't find enough information, gives up, and moves onto other things. Things I should be doing.

Few positives have come out of this.

• I'm paying more attention to music. Especially lyrics. God knows I missed that.
• I'm also experiencing music differently. No matter what genre, I relate to it in one sole way. I use pieces of this experience - from beginning to present, from surprise and amazement to done and gone, to relate to what's playing. Or rather, allow what's playing to relate to my life. I love it! I've always been a fan of personal touch :)
• And, I break into dhyaan-mode (meditation) whenever the mind wants to disregard what my body's saying. Win-win.

Other than that, my emotions and responses continue to bounce between extremes. I smile. I tear up. I'm grateful. I'm regretful. I'm happy. I'm sad. I want to punch [them]. I truly wish for [their] happiness. All emotions true to my core. I really do feel all these things. Nothing is fake.

हाल तेरा ना हम-सा है, इस ख़ुशी में क्यूँ ग़म सा है... (Song: Tune Jo Na Kahaa, Film: New York)

Weird. Weird for me, because I don't recall ever experiencing this before.

चाहत के दो पल भी मिल पाएँ, दुनिया में ये भी कम है क्या... (Song: Senorita, Film: Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara)