Completion

I want to make a habit of finishing things. And finishing them quickly! Say, biweekly vs. stretching over a few months. This means fewer things happening simultaneously. For example, reading 1-2 books at a time instead of 5! Ideally, just one.

Between April and May I finished reading 3 or 4 books and an introductory HTML/CSS course on www.codecademy.com Reading that last page, checking off that last question, is such a good feeling. It fills me up with positivity and confidence. I want to feel more of this type of energy.

This applies to daily things, too. Such as completing an exercise routine... or something as simple and as short as making the bed.

Feeling of Completion. That's what I'm deliberately striving for starting now until it becomes an effortless habit. 

Change, I Heart

Things that bothered me in the past, fail to instill the same affect off late. Example: cold temperatures, rainy weather. I'm starting to embrace change. Happily. Enthusiastically. I enjoy change. This idea of embracing, celebrating, and often, seeking change seems to define who I am. I feel it needs deeper contemplation.

:)

♫ I feel Happy inside! -The Beatles

Nothing but the Truth!

For at least the past four months, I've been actively practicing the art of not lying. For a really long time, lying is how I dealt with my parents. Not because I was embarrassed of my lifestyle, but because I knew it was embarrassing for them. So I chose what Holy Bhagvad Gita sorta suggests and lied lies that prevented my parents from feeling hurt. 

And then I got tired. Of living a double life. Of having to keep track of fiction. And of course, of dishonesty.

So, ever since moving back, I've chosen not to lie. It was a huge step because while living separately, I didn't have to speak to them or answer to them everyday or ever. Living in close premises is different as humans are social beings and it only makes sense to socialize with those who are available at close proximity. I was having my daily, trivial chitter-chatter with my parents. That would've been a lot of fiction to invent and track if I had chosen the fictional route. But, as I said before, I plain wasn't interested! I wanted to invest my creative sparks elsewhere. Thus, it has been all honesty since then, to the point of giving them the names of my guy friends who I chill with late-late at night. *sigh* it feels nice. 

PS: This probably isn't a big deal for most people, but my Dad is Indian and expects me to be Indian, which means believing that everybody is out to get me and use me since I'm a poor little, vulnerable, weak girl and all, you know. 

Anyways. The point of the blog is - Telling the Truth has become a Habit! Sometimes the thought of lying surfaces, especially if I want to not share something because of the embarrassment factor, but Habit doesn't let it happen! It's pretty awesome! So all in all, I guess, good habits are not as difficult to form as much we've somehow convinced ourselves to believe that they are. Huh.

Try something for yourself. It only takes perseverance. 

Good night. 

Shubh raatri. 

Shabba khair.

I Dream Awesome Dreams

I haven't shared my dreams with anyone in a while because once upon a time one dude interpreted one so accurately, it scared the bejeezus outta me! Now, however, I do a pretty good job interpreting them myself and thus don't mind sharing the awesome symbolic visual imagery that comes forth from within my deep subconscious and takes me on roller coaster rides at nights.

I guess the difference between then and now is that I don't feel out of control anymore. During the summer of 2006, sharing a motel room up in the smoky mountains with four people I hadn't known too long, I felt at a loss when my deep fears and desires were exposed so easily and freely by one of them whome I had barely known for a few hours. Understood by him in an instant! Things that I chose to deliberately look away from during my waking life surfaced through another route, which, again, I had no desire to dig into. It was mere play to me, this dreaming business. Entertainment of sorts. Motion picture, emotions, even physical movements designed specifically for me that could be experienced by no one else. It was wow-ness and awe-ness. It was something trivial to talk about, to keep verbal chatter flow continuously during road-trips and lunch dates. No biggie, really. Until the smart ass shut me up for six-years. Wowza!

As of now, I write them and the meaning unfolds automatically, without attempt, as I recall my dreams. There was also a time period when I couldn't recall them for months, may be a couple of years. Of course, because I wanted to look away; look away so desperately that my memory had no choice but to oblige. Then I started missing them. Life started seeming more bland as my source of entertainment was now missing. But more importantly, I didn't want to look away anymore. I had come to the conclusion that problems don't disappear if you look away. It may seem like they have but they always remain in the back of one's mind, slowing and invisibly draining energy, deeply confusing the person, cracking the hole of emptiness faster and wider. I wanted to start mending the whole. I wanted to start charging my batteries. And once my desire for flying high was true and deep, I started using my brain instead of keeping it turned off. I started grabbing everything in my life I was unhappy with, one by one, and started tracing back steps to the original cause, I performed numerous root-cause-analyses. That was part one. Part two, probably, was grabbing hold of opportunities that came my way. I know I've talked about it before, but I can't not mention it again: Vipassana. Meditation. This awesome tool, started helping me recall my dreams accurately and instantly. Yes, it has taken more practice over the past few months and it's not a one-time-cure. But more than anything else I did before or since, meditation just solves my problems without me having to consciously think and act upon them. It's fuckin' magic!

Anyways, the moral of the blog is - Dreams rock! Our brains are geniuses! And I'm letting mine become the genius that it inherently is :D

Peace.

Growing up is the shit!

My being is shadowed by a hint of sadness these days. Only when I'm alone though. And in my alone-ness, I observe a hint of pain right below my chest and above my stomach. Emotional pain, nothing medical doctors can do anything about. I'm not sure if the pain is more or less than what I'm perceiving. Focusing on it, makes it go boom-boom... but it never comes close the point of un-bearing, distances from it! And whether or not I focus on it, I can go about with my day. This thing within me is not a hindrance. A huge leap from past times when emotions would completely overcast the present, leaving me paralyzed for days, weeks, even months at a time.

I like to think I'm becoming immune. The thought that may be 'this wasn't that big a deal' crossed my mind, but that's not true at all. It was, err, is a big deal! Like all other deals that affect me deeply. It not feeling like a big deal, however, is a different story. It's a matter of immunity, it's a matter of having been there before, it's a matter of having learnt things from the past. And it's my body which has learnt stuff because my mind wants to dwell on it,  just doesn't find enough information, gives up, and moves onto other things. Things I should be doing.

Few positives have come out of this.

• I'm paying more attention to music. Especially lyrics. God knows I missed that.
• I'm also experiencing music differently. No matter what genre, I relate to it in one sole way. I use pieces of this experience - from beginning to present, from surprise and amazement to done and gone, to relate to what's playing. Or rather, allow what's playing to relate to my life. I love it! I've always been a fan of personal touch :)
• And, I break into dhyaan-mode (meditation) whenever the mind wants to disregard what my body's saying. Win-win.

Other than that, my emotions and responses continue to bounce between extremes. I smile. I tear up. I'm grateful. I'm regretful. I'm happy. I'm sad. I want to punch [them]. I truly wish for [their] happiness. All emotions true to my core. I really do feel all these things. Nothing is fake.

हाल तेरा ना हम-सा है, इस ख़ुशी में क्यूँ ग़म सा है... (Song: Tune Jo Na Kahaa, Film: New York)

Weird. Weird for me, because I don't recall ever experiencing this before.

चाहत के दो पल भी मिल पाएँ, दुनिया में ये भी कम है क्या... (Song: Senorita, Film: Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara)

What A Life!

Note: Don't get critical about the crappy writing style, focus on content instead - specially from 3rd paragraph, starting with "In other news..."

Written: Jan 23 '11

I'm in Jonesboro today, which is where my parents live. Woke up at 7:30 in the the morning after only about a five hour sleep which was preceded by a long chat with Sindhu (roomie), which was preceded by hours of game play at Dave & Buster's with a bunch of friends, which was preceded by work and a quick meet with a friend at the Auto Show being held at the Georgia World Congress Center - I wasn't interested in the cars though, my attention was on typography, instead :) - which was preceded by a happy start to Saturday morning after only about a four to five hour sleep, which was preceded by a long chat with Nammo (roomie), which was accompanied by Zinfandel - drinking started around 8 in the evening on Friday night - the chat was preceded by all four roomies - Harini, Namrata, Sindhu, and I - watching Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge and praising Shahrukh Khan without stop ;), which was preceded by a beautiful evening of poetry at Proma's while Poet Dude was visiting from Boston. Whew! 30 happenin' hours! Wonderfully refreshing!

I reached home this morning around 8:45. Had told dad a few days back that I'll be home early and he doubted my abilities, had to accept the challenge and shot up at the first sound of the alarm. At home, papa was showing off the Netfilx, Blue-ray combo and started playing Guzaarish. He left in the middle due to work but I was hooked! What an amazingly beautiful film! Everything about it is just beautiful: story, actors, acting, sets, songs, direction, you name it! Hrithik Roshan is such a wonderful actor, well, everyone acted exceptionally well in this movie. If you haven't already, watch it!

In other news, in the past week I met three of the people I look up to, consider my role models in some way or another. And for the first time I wasn't starstruck. After observing and listening to them intently, they transformed from being god-like figures to normal human beings, people who make mistakes, people who lose temper, people who can be irrational and judgmental at times, people just like me! This doesn't mean my respect has gone down, not even a bit. In stead, it has now switched to an interesting combination of more respect and more relatability. They, their ideas, their actions, their abilities, their perseverance, their courage doesn't seem so far fetched anymore. They are also human with emotional needs that needed to be either fulfilled or conquered for them to become the pillar they are today. And it doesn't end there. It is a life long process that they continuously fight, but at times can't help getting sucked in. They are just like me! Seeing that confusion, that irrationality in their faces and voices and past and present tales tells me that I too, just like them, can get past the hurdles and come out shining as long as I apply myself and do not give up. Thank you, Khuda, for showing me this light :)

Added: Jan 24 '11

In addition, the above observation cum realization may have also pushed me in the direction of being less judgmental. When I don't like something about a person, instead of jumping to the conclusion that they're incompetent, I have the option of accepting that 1) they may be going through a bad phase, or 2) they are just different than myself, and that's okay! It's absolutely okay.

Adding on to the "it's okay" state-of-mind: unhappy arguments and conflicts that don't result into anything but hurt, aren't taking a toll on me these days. Yes, they hurt. But that's it. I move past them as soon as I accept that I've been hurt. I don't turn around to hurt the source in return, and it's cool. One may think that this may be piling underneath the surface to erupt at a future date, but nothing is piling up! I don't feel heavy at all. I'm light. And I'm happy. I've been saying, "I'm happy!" so much lately, that I'm starting to wonder if it's a lie - but no, I have real happiness on my face! Then I wonder if it's a mistake, a dream. And I can't really deny that, because I feel life is a dream. Each moment a reality when in it, once past it, once it's no longer a reality of the present moment but a mere memory, it starts to have a dreamlike feel, doesn't it? For that matter even when we are dreaming, it feels real when in it. So whatever it may be, however long it may last, this continuous smile is my present reality.

Although I haven't been meditating, Vipassana is the definite culprit :). It is the one that helped me reach this state and the one that helps me accept and move past things on a moment to moment basis. It is the one that helps me smile :) ...and for the past few days, I'm overflowing with love. Unconditional love. I love everyone and everything around me. Sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I don't know how or where to direct it. My eyesight becomes hazy, because it's so effin' full of love! WOW. I've never been here before. And although adjusting is taking some time, I definitely like it here :)

Happy and Merry

Today, like the past few days, was another round of happyness and merryness (misspelled on purpose :). The day started not as early as planned but ended up being more productive than the entire last week, combined! School, classwork, job, high priority errands, cooking turn, workout, homework, socializing, everything. I accomplished everything anticipated and more!

It is true: beauty does lie in the eye of the beholder. These days everything around me is beautiful, even when it's not! I smile. I radiate. And no, I'm not in love! At least not in love with another individual. Just content and comfortable with where I am, but still have that motivating drive encouraging me to keep going. Comfortable but not lazy. Content but still thirsty.

My third annual round of self-exploration just came to an end and this is where I end. Happy and Merry. May have figured out more concrete stuff this time around, or may be it's an illusion because it's a build up upon the past two years. Either way, I'm happy. And I'm merry.

…and when I'm happy and merry I cook what I don't cook other wise to share the happyness and merryness with, I guess, my family - roomies :). Today was a Chipotle-copy-cat meal. Turned out well.

That's about it. I don't know what more I want to say. Just wanted to record this happyness and merryness.

Atlanta Snow Week

Atlanta and surrounding areas have been snowed in since Sunday (Jan 9) evening. Large part of Georgia came to a screeching halt and schools, offices, stores were closed on Monday and Tuesday. Things started picking up today, Wednesday... but the road conditions haven't improved much on the outskirts, i.e. outside downtown or midtown Atlanta. More places will start opening their doors tomorrow (Thursday), but they're being cautious by starting late (Georgia Tech at 10a, Art Institute at noon), but many continue to play it safe by declaring another day off.

In all this chaos, instead of enjoying this unexpected extra time with self or with family or by doing something that they had been putting off because of the lack of time, people continue to complain. When suspected that Ai may not resume classes on Thursday either, I read students writing on Facebook how disappointed they were; and then when we learnt that school will indeed be open starting noon (still not sure, we'll know the real deal tomorrow) students started cribbing about the serious icy road conditions. It's really mind boggling. Do we really, always, want what we don't get?! WHY?

I came back from a 10 day Vipassana course on Friday, Jan 7. And thank god I did it when I did (wish I could've done it sooner though). Through all this snow and ice mayhem, I've been sitting and observing peoples reactions. Not at all ideal. They do - and I can't figure out why - continue to make themselves miserable based on something that's not even in their control! Wow, indeed. So what if you get another week off school. So what if you can't go anywhere. So what if school will drag into another week at quarter or semester end. So what if you'll have to move around some plans. You can't fight with anybody about it, damn it! What're you gonna do? Punch nature in its face? Psh! Read a book. Watch movies. Play board games. Get to know your roommates. Do something you haven't done in forever or ever. There's no lack of things to do, even if you can't step outside.

Live in the moment, Atlanta. You may miss it when it's gone; and it will be gone. Impermanence is how nature works, just observe how long it lasts, objectively, without identifying yourself with it - Vipassana words :)

Happy Ice and Snow week! Peace, Atlanta 2011.

Aroma Reboot

It has been a month since a cigarette stick last danced between my fingers. A month since it last kissed my lips. A month since it filled my lungs with guilty pleasure. Fingers don't reek of disgust anymore and deadly coughs are close to nonexistence.

Pockets feel both heavy and light - no 20-packs, no gum-sticks, no liquid scents. Limbs only shiver when necessary, when stepping out is a requirement. Nervous system craving nicotine is dismissed as soon as it's realized. Which, by the way, is inversely proportional to time - as time moves on, cravings decrease. In other words, time lapse between two successive cravings is on a rise.

Held the last black butt between my right index finger and thumb on November 11, 2009 at 12:10am. Looked right into it, said good-bye, and put it back into the Kretek Black Box. Idea is to get it framed and celebrate! Everyday!

Travel Green

Stopped using MARTA - Atlanta's public transit system - at the end of my Spring 2009 semester at Georgia State University. In spite of working at the university over this past summer, I chose not to commute using the train. Initial reason was to get in shape. I bicycled, walked, even ran to work sometimes. After a couple of weeks, however, addition of a second job - about 20 miles from GSU - on my daily to-do list, prohibited the possibility of foot or public transport, leaving the sole alternative: burning petroleum every single day of the week. And so I did, for the next eight months, until December 1, 2009.

Ever since my decision to move to the heart of Midtown Atlanta - Intersection of Peachtree Street and Ponce De Leon Avenue - I had been excited about walking to everywhere! However, after the initiation of the Daily Fuel-Burn program, I started driving to everywhere! Even if I had to go a few blocks to Tenth and Piedmont, or even worse, two blocks to North Ave and Piedmont!

Thus, four days ago, on the first day of the last month of the last year of the first decade of this second millennium a.d., after several months of procrastinating the application of this idea, I decided to again start using Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority (MARTA) for all my in-town commutes.

Happy to announce: I am now a Green Commuter. And with this mother nature love comes the free tool of just enough alone time to get in touch with one's inside nature, to keep it in check and make sure it's getting enough music, podcast listening, and reading time.

Signing off,

-Happy Soul, oh yeah...

Soberld

This weekend was primarily nasha free and the results are worth boasting about. Instead of [a lot of] alcohol, consumed warm water with a hint of mint and caffeine. In spite of sleeping at five in the morning, woke up fifteen minutes before eleven and didn't even mildly feel guilty about it. Oh, and was up before eight on Saturday. Ecstatic, yes, very much so.

Besides these trivial yet exciting achievements, I ended up accomplishing, or rather doing, various things instead of lazily laying limp. Saturday began with the Enrollment Day at the Art Institute.

Disclosure: I've switched school and the area of study after wasting four years and [let me not mention how] much money at Georgia State. All this while, I was trying to figure out what to do, never feeling a hundred percent sure about anything. One fine summer night - late night - I realized I had blocked out the only thing that could make me happy, that made me happy all throughout high school - Design. Past eight years of my life came rushing back, helping me make sense of everything that had and had not happened. Parents, of course, aren't happy with the fact that their daughter, eldest of the two idiots they've raised, is twenty-two and still only has a high school diploma. Back when I lacked dedication and couldn't find direction, the same bothered me too. Now, I'm content with where I'm headed and the decision I've made.

-Future User Experience/Interface Designer

Had yet another question-answer, explain-my-stand session with dad at and after the Ai event. It has been going on for some time with successive failures. I don't see my arguments making sense to him until my actions start shaping my career. Which is understandable and thus - I've concluded - discussions are worth avoiding for the time being.

Moving on. With little, not so important, details in between - snacking at Chatpati after several years, putting a check mark next to "buy art supplies", late night, lighted up, chilly Atlantic Station walk, making french toast for breakfast, getting some money-bringing work done - lunch at Varasano's Pizzeria and Amy Schumer at the Punchline Comedy Club deserve ovation.

Varasano's is a fairly new joint, with only salads, pizzas, and desserts on their food menu. That's probably the reason why they excel at what little they offer. From the first sip of Death In the Afternoon - Champagne and Absinthe with a sugar cube - and the first bite of Nucci - Garlic, Olives & Emmenthaler finished with Arugula, Mushrooms & Herbs - to the last drop and crumb finding it's way out of the glass, off of the place into my mouth & beyond, the entire experience was heavenly. As soon as I first sipped, chewed, and swallowed, I was talking about my next visit to this pizzeria. If you're in Atlanta and you haven't been here yet, please allow me to accompany you :) (no, it ain't on me, we'll split the bill).

Sunday outing came to an end with comedian Amy Schumer performing at the Punchline in Dunwoody. I'm not into stand-up comedy, but I'm open to exploring if the event is free (deal tweets, peeps). Had been to a show once before, at the same location, and didn't enjoy it at all. Today, however, not hearing something - as a result of prolonged laughter - made me want to rewind the live show. That's all I gotta say. Good night folks, you've been a great audience!

Geetali to GTalli, and back...

Drinking and getting drunk seem to go hand in hand for amateurs and college students. When, in January 2006, I was introduced to the wonderful world of liquor, I did the same - drink and get drunk. Did it for the next three years and ten months. Always hating the morning after... not recalling details of intriguing conversations held, disgusted by dry aftertaste in mouth, feeling tired, needing sleep.

Yet, I continued to drink and get drunk (and was soon nicknamed GTalli). It made me feel free, it helped me say things I wouldn't have otherwise. Things I really did want to say, but had reservations about how the receiver might take it. When drunk, people's feelings didn't matter, sharing a fact or an observation or a deep feeling - no matter how depressing, embarrassing, or naked - seemed the most important.

Things have changed now. I don't want to be out of control anymore (probably 'cause the "amateur" label needs to go). I don't want to share my thoughts with everyone (if I do share, I want to take full responsibility and not hide behind alcohol). I don't not want to remember the discussions (they're beautiful and I want to build upon them). I don't want to waste nights and days chugging like an idiot and sleeping like a dog (there's so much to do, so much to see, why waste at all).

So far, I have been able to come up with ways that help me savor. Beer is the easiest, you can't have a lot of it. Reached a surprising achievement with martini as well, when I self-learned to "hold the drink" on Friday, November 13th at Raesh's. But last night, with Macallan and Jager, didn't go as well. Excuse: It was Punti's birthday, but c'mon! Realized that these drinks were so smooth that they just hit me out of nowhere. They didn't taste nasty, they didn't feel weird, and thus I was [partially] gone, quickly. Promotion from cheap to classy may take a while to get used to. But I'm willing and learning!

Good bye binge drinking.