Self Assessment

Things I want to do in this lifetime:

1. donate a minimum of $100,000 to charity (because that's how big I can think right now... I wish to stretch myself to add way more zeroes to the end of that)
2. write, write, write ... and publish a book that people can hold in their hands and lend to their friends to read
3. become accutely aware of my subconcious reactions and limitations and override them deliberately and intentionally 
4. become an AWESOME graphic and web designer/developer
5. have real and meaningful relationships with people who choose to live consciously
6. choose curiosity every single day
7. be sexy in body, mind, and spirit
8. be the person I wish everyone chooses to be : kind, compassionate, loving, caring

How I'm doing so far:

1. So far I've donated ten and twenty dollars here and there, plus hundreds of volunteer hours. All together should be somewhere close to $10,000-$15,000 range.  Which means, I should be aiming wayy higher than $100k :)
2. This blog was started in 2004. So much writing has already been done. A writing style has been developed. Now, pulling some of this together, and continuing a writing habit.
3. Meditation, meditation, meditation. Every couple of months re-assessing how I'm doing with my daily practice. Recently, recommitted to 2 hours for daily practice.
4. Some resistance to this right now. My accountability group (Failure Club) is very motivating!
5. Oh god, I have many of these people in my life already. And I feel rather blessed. There's always room for more goodness. 
6. I have been making this a daily practice at work since the past two months. I notice now that it's become a habit. I engage with people automatically, without effort now. Good stuff!
7. This is a work in progress.
8. Doing it. More can be done every day, though.

Date of Death: Unknown

Yesterday, on January 25 '11, a man named Emmanual Hammond was executed in the state of Georgia. I had never heard his name before around 9 in the morning that day when I came across this BBC news article.

Day before yesterday, on January 24 '11 sometime around 11 o'clock in the morning, my Intro to Graphic Design teacher mentioned that his "wife's client will be executed tomorrow" and during her recent visit with him, a conversation went as such:

Him: So, what're you gonna do with your life?

Her: Buying a farm, we'll grow organic stuff.

Him: Well, you can't wear all black and high heals there! :D

note: teacher's wife is black-crazy.

The information learned on Monday was not at all ordinary, but I forgot about it as quickly and easily as it had entered my knowledge base. The information learned on Tuesday, however, made me realize that Hammond and I only had 3 (or would it be considered 2?) degrees of separation between us. Just because the article mentioned his name, my psyche promoted him from a cliental entity to a full fledged human being. I wondered about his question: "So, what're you gonna do with your life?". I wondered what he did with his life during all those days when he knew for a fact that he was only moving closer to the end as each moment passed. I wondered how every person on this earth faces what comes, because, well, doesn't everyone know for a fact that they are getting closer to the end of their lives, too? And then I wondered, what I would do if I knew that today I would breath my last.

Surprisingly, the answer did not have any skydiving or amusement park trips planned. Neither did I see myself calling or emailing everyone I know or care about. No skipping school or work, either. And not even a hint of sorrow. Instead, I saw myself driving to school - as I was doing while thinking about this - and not speeding, even though I was late. I imagined myself in class, not day-dreaming, but utilizing every minute to work on what was assigned. Applying myself fully to the tools at hand, be it paper and pencil or screen and mouse. If I knew that I was to die tomorrow, I would live my last day on earth completely submerged in the moment. Submerged in my daily reality, in the routine of what my duties demand. For that is the real me, that is what gives me my identity. And I'd want to be Geetali for every single moment of that day. And why just that day? Why not every day? Why not every moment? Because, when I walk out the door in about fifteen-minutes to hit Kroger and Unit2Fitness, I may die! I may even die before that. My misfortune, unlike Hammond's, is that I don't know my date of death and unfortunately that makes me take life for granted and lose the precious moments that only I have the power of making beautiful by the power of my being in the moment.

What are you going to do with your life?

What A Life!

Note: Don't get critical about the crappy writing style, focus on content instead - specially from 3rd paragraph, starting with "In other news..."

Written: Jan 23 '11

I'm in Jonesboro today, which is where my parents live. Woke up at 7:30 in the the morning after only about a five hour sleep which was preceded by a long chat with Sindhu (roomie), which was preceded by hours of game play at Dave & Buster's with a bunch of friends, which was preceded by work and a quick meet with a friend at the Auto Show being held at the Georgia World Congress Center - I wasn't interested in the cars though, my attention was on typography, instead :) - which was preceded by a happy start to Saturday morning after only about a four to five hour sleep, which was preceded by a long chat with Nammo (roomie), which was accompanied by Zinfandel - drinking started around 8 in the evening on Friday night - the chat was preceded by all four roomies - Harini, Namrata, Sindhu, and I - watching Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge and praising Shahrukh Khan without stop ;), which was preceded by a beautiful evening of poetry at Proma's while Poet Dude was visiting from Boston. Whew! 30 happenin' hours! Wonderfully refreshing!

I reached home this morning around 8:45. Had told dad a few days back that I'll be home early and he doubted my abilities, had to accept the challenge and shot up at the first sound of the alarm. At home, papa was showing off the Netfilx, Blue-ray combo and started playing Guzaarish. He left in the middle due to work but I was hooked! What an amazingly beautiful film! Everything about it is just beautiful: story, actors, acting, sets, songs, direction, you name it! Hrithik Roshan is such a wonderful actor, well, everyone acted exceptionally well in this movie. If you haven't already, watch it!

In other news, in the past week I met three of the people I look up to, consider my role models in some way or another. And for the first time I wasn't starstruck. After observing and listening to them intently, they transformed from being god-like figures to normal human beings, people who make mistakes, people who lose temper, people who can be irrational and judgmental at times, people just like me! This doesn't mean my respect has gone down, not even a bit. In stead, it has now switched to an interesting combination of more respect and more relatability. They, their ideas, their actions, their abilities, their perseverance, their courage doesn't seem so far fetched anymore. They are also human with emotional needs that needed to be either fulfilled or conquered for them to become the pillar they are today. And it doesn't end there. It is a life long process that they continuously fight, but at times can't help getting sucked in. They are just like me! Seeing that confusion, that irrationality in their faces and voices and past and present tales tells me that I too, just like them, can get past the hurdles and come out shining as long as I apply myself and do not give up. Thank you, Khuda, for showing me this light :)

Added: Jan 24 '11

In addition, the above observation cum realization may have also pushed me in the direction of being less judgmental. When I don't like something about a person, instead of jumping to the conclusion that they're incompetent, I have the option of accepting that 1) they may be going through a bad phase, or 2) they are just different than myself, and that's okay! It's absolutely okay.

Adding on to the "it's okay" state-of-mind: unhappy arguments and conflicts that don't result into anything but hurt, aren't taking a toll on me these days. Yes, they hurt. But that's it. I move past them as soon as I accept that I've been hurt. I don't turn around to hurt the source in return, and it's cool. One may think that this may be piling underneath the surface to erupt at a future date, but nothing is piling up! I don't feel heavy at all. I'm light. And I'm happy. I've been saying, "I'm happy!" so much lately, that I'm starting to wonder if it's a lie - but no, I have real happiness on my face! Then I wonder if it's a mistake, a dream. And I can't really deny that, because I feel life is a dream. Each moment a reality when in it, once past it, once it's no longer a reality of the present moment but a mere memory, it starts to have a dreamlike feel, doesn't it? For that matter even when we are dreaming, it feels real when in it. So whatever it may be, however long it may last, this continuous smile is my present reality.

Although I haven't been meditating, Vipassana is the definite culprit :). It is the one that helped me reach this state and the one that helps me accept and move past things on a moment to moment basis. It is the one that helps me smile :) ...and for the past few days, I'm overflowing with love. Unconditional love. I love everyone and everything around me. Sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I don't know how or where to direct it. My eyesight becomes hazy, because it's so effin' full of love! WOW. I've never been here before. And although adjusting is taking some time, I definitely like it here :)

Atlanta Snow Week

Atlanta and surrounding areas have been snowed in since Sunday (Jan 9) evening. Large part of Georgia came to a screeching halt and schools, offices, stores were closed on Monday and Tuesday. Things started picking up today, Wednesday... but the road conditions haven't improved much on the outskirts, i.e. outside downtown or midtown Atlanta. More places will start opening their doors tomorrow (Thursday), but they're being cautious by starting late (Georgia Tech at 10a, Art Institute at noon), but many continue to play it safe by declaring another day off.

In all this chaos, instead of enjoying this unexpected extra time with self or with family or by doing something that they had been putting off because of the lack of time, people continue to complain. When suspected that Ai may not resume classes on Thursday either, I read students writing on Facebook how disappointed they were; and then when we learnt that school will indeed be open starting noon (still not sure, we'll know the real deal tomorrow) students started cribbing about the serious icy road conditions. It's really mind boggling. Do we really, always, want what we don't get?! WHY?

I came back from a 10 day Vipassana course on Friday, Jan 7. And thank god I did it when I did (wish I could've done it sooner though). Through all this snow and ice mayhem, I've been sitting and observing peoples reactions. Not at all ideal. They do - and I can't figure out why - continue to make themselves miserable based on something that's not even in their control! Wow, indeed. So what if you get another week off school. So what if you can't go anywhere. So what if school will drag into another week at quarter or semester end. So what if you'll have to move around some plans. You can't fight with anybody about it, damn it! What're you gonna do? Punch nature in its face? Psh! Read a book. Watch movies. Play board games. Get to know your roommates. Do something you haven't done in forever or ever. There's no lack of things to do, even if you can't step outside.

Live in the moment, Atlanta. You may miss it when it's gone; and it will be gone. Impermanence is how nature works, just observe how long it lasts, objectively, without identifying yourself with it - Vipassana words :)

Happy Ice and Snow week! Peace, Atlanta 2011.

Feeler or Thinker?

I edited the About Me section on Facebook, adding:

Visual and Tactile + Feeler *and* Thinker = Designer, in training.

Soon, ended up googling the difference between Feeler and Thinker and found the following:

To describe a Thinker as a Thinker is both honest and affirming, but to describe a Feeler as a Feeler is often felt to be disaffirming or demeaning. Feelers therefore wish to imagine themselves Thinkers, regardless of the facts. Just as there is only one answer to the question, "Are you lying?" (No), regardless of whether the respondent is telling the truth or lying, so also everybody wants to tell you they are a Thinker: the actual Thinkers follow their own values by telling the truth, and the Feelers also affirm their own values in lying about it -- but in doing so they violate the values they falsely claim of themselves.

Hah! The irony! Makes me wonder if I'm a Thinker-wannabe. Probably am! :)

Aroma Reboot

It has been a month since a cigarette stick last danced between my fingers. A month since it last kissed my lips. A month since it filled my lungs with guilty pleasure. Fingers don't reek of disgust anymore and deadly coughs are close to nonexistence.

Pockets feel both heavy and light - no 20-packs, no gum-sticks, no liquid scents. Limbs only shiver when necessary, when stepping out is a requirement. Nervous system craving nicotine is dismissed as soon as it's realized. Which, by the way, is inversely proportional to time - as time moves on, cravings decrease. In other words, time lapse between two successive cravings is on a rise.

Held the last black butt between my right index finger and thumb on November 11, 2009 at 12:10am. Looked right into it, said good-bye, and put it back into the Kretek Black Box. Idea is to get it framed and celebrate! Everyday!