Nothing is forever, man, absolutely nothing is forever. Yet we insist upon the eternity of things. Eternity only exists in the present, current, single, passing moment. Observe it. Feel it. Be it.

Effortless Effort

Think about it.
What're your thoughts?
Hint: In my case, intuition spurred meaning and understanding. Effortlessly.

Bonds. Where do they come from?

I'm wondering about 'rishtey' (translation: relationships). Where do they come from? How do they form? The kind of 'rishtey' that are below the surface. Not mama, chacha, beta type. The kind that are non-family related. The kind of 'rishtey' present between certain souls as some sort of a bond. A bond that defies time, distance, and hiatus of communication. The bonds whose presence is felt even in the absence. The bonds whose absence isn't dreaded or mourned, but whose eternal, abstract, absolute presence is known, felt, and appreciated always. The bonds that in spite of the hiatus start from the present, are always in the present ...even in their summary of the past. Where to these bonds come from?

My Path

I feel like I have found my path. होश सँभालने के बाद / ever since I came to my senses, I have always 'argued' with people about having to experience. About having to feel. Experience and Feel on my own, so that I understand. Because True Understanding comes from within, not from tell-tales of other people. Other peoples stories are just that! Stories! They're only stories for me. Not an experience. Not a feeling. Not a lesson. 

I feel like I have found my path. My path of Experience. My path of Feeling. Moving from intellectually knowing how illogical it is to have expectations, especially of those and that which are out of our control - and in all honesty, E-V-E-R-Y-THING is outside our control. Everything! - to Experiencing it and Feeling it inside me. Moving from intellectually knowing how illogical it is to get attached to people, things, thoughts, and beliefs to Experiencing and Feeling the impermanence inside of me - because the one, absolute, ultimate, undeniable, true fact is that all matter is impermanent. We all know this intellectually, don't we? But we all forget it when it comes to practice. Don't we? Experiencing and Feeling it first within, and then taking this Understanding and applying it to what is outside of me automatically results in a slight smile. A smile that reads: Awareness and Equanimity. Anicca. Anicca. Anicca. 

I have found My Path. My heart was indeed in the right place. Always.

♫♪  कुछ तो लोग कहेंगे... लोगों का काम है कहना...  ♪♫

"Caste" System is Real

I kinda like the caste system (spur of this moment thought). But it's probably definitely a horrible thing to say in this day and age.

Hear me out though.

I think we as humans inherently practice it. But don't call it the 'caste system'. The formal layout simply doesn't exist in the western world and is taken too literally in the east. It's natural to follow ones heart and seek similar collateral. Being surrounded by what mirrors our own ideas, beliefs, thoughts, actions, and way of life, amongst numerable other things, is the 'caste' system. It's categorization. And you and I do it e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y because collective functioning is core to social human nature. And we can only collaborate collectively with those who are similar to us, who fall in the same category as us!

...and it changes as we change, as life progresses, as we move from one step to another. But I don't think it changes a lot, unless one was in the wrong category to begin with and takes conscious steps to move closer to her real self. Kinda like what I am doing with my current life* :)

*current life != Geetali Sharma aka Kishu; April 22, 1987 (or 9 months prior) to present day.
current life = Designer, in training + Minimalist (Beta) + spiritual-atheist-philosopher


Hah! How about me gravitates towards concise refinement! <3 Life!

'Expectations ≈ Goals'?

A quick throw-up after reading Moving Beyond Goals on The Minimalists.

I make goals, but fail to meet them. I make goals, because I think I lack motivation. Which isn’t really true because I Have found my passion and, when engrossed, it brings happy tears to my eyes! Anything Design makes me glow.

Several years ago, I decided to let go of Expectations because I concluded from observation and analysis that they were a gateway to irrational unhappiness. Reading comments on the above blog, triggered a recollection of that idea. Letting go of Goals sounds very similar to me. Both, expectations and goals, are intellectually driven, not intuitionally. Intellect, although necessary to function, needs Intuition to create balance. In the want of expectations and goals – a fictional future – we forget to be in the present, the here & now, the true reality, and sooner or later complain of [irrational] unhappiness, of not knowing who we are, or who’s life we’re living.

Intellect comes with a certain amount of RAM and we are meant to utilize the fossil fuel Intuition (heart, gut, voice from within, motivation, whatever you may wanna call it, it’s the part of you that just knows).

I'm glad I read that blog, it has helped me further understand something truly important.

Change, I Heart

Things that bothered me in the past, fail to instill the same affect off late. Example: cold temperatures, rainy weather. I'm starting to embrace change. Happily. Enthusiastically. I enjoy change. This idea of embracing, celebrating, and often, seeking change seems to define who I am. I feel it needs deeper contemplation.

:)

♫ I feel Happy inside! -The Beatles

Nothing but the Truth!

For at least the past four months, I've been actively practicing the art of not lying. For a really long time, lying is how I dealt with my parents. Not because I was embarrassed of my lifestyle, but because I knew it was embarrassing for them. So I chose what Holy Bhagvad Gita sorta suggests and lied lies that prevented my parents from feeling hurt. 

And then I got tired. Of living a double life. Of having to keep track of fiction. And of course, of dishonesty.

So, ever since moving back, I've chosen not to lie. It was a huge step because while living separately, I didn't have to speak to them or answer to them everyday or ever. Living in close premises is different as humans are social beings and it only makes sense to socialize with those who are available at close proximity. I was having my daily, trivial chitter-chatter with my parents. That would've been a lot of fiction to invent and track if I had chosen the fictional route. But, as I said before, I plain wasn't interested! I wanted to invest my creative sparks elsewhere. Thus, it has been all honesty since then, to the point of giving them the names of my guy friends who I chill with late-late at night. *sigh* it feels nice. 

PS: This probably isn't a big deal for most people, but my Dad is Indian and expects me to be Indian, which means believing that everybody is out to get me and use me since I'm a poor little, vulnerable, weak girl and all, you know. 

Anyways. The point of the blog is - Telling the Truth has become a Habit! Sometimes the thought of lying surfaces, especially if I want to not share something because of the embarrassment factor, but Habit doesn't let it happen! It's pretty awesome! So all in all, I guess, good habits are not as difficult to form as much we've somehow convinced ourselves to believe that they are. Huh.

Try something for yourself. It only takes perseverance. 

Good night. 

Shubh raatri. 

Shabba khair.

I Dream Awesome Dreams

I haven't shared my dreams with anyone in a while because once upon a time one dude interpreted one so accurately, it scared the bejeezus outta me! Now, however, I do a pretty good job interpreting them myself and thus don't mind sharing the awesome symbolic visual imagery that comes forth from within my deep subconscious and takes me on roller coaster rides at nights.

I guess the difference between then and now is that I don't feel out of control anymore. During the summer of 2006, sharing a motel room up in the smoky mountains with four people I hadn't known too long, I felt at a loss when my deep fears and desires were exposed so easily and freely by one of them whome I had barely known for a few hours. Understood by him in an instant! Things that I chose to deliberately look away from during my waking life surfaced through another route, which, again, I had no desire to dig into. It was mere play to me, this dreaming business. Entertainment of sorts. Motion picture, emotions, even physical movements designed specifically for me that could be experienced by no one else. It was wow-ness and awe-ness. It was something trivial to talk about, to keep verbal chatter flow continuously during road-trips and lunch dates. No biggie, really. Until the smart ass shut me up for six-years. Wowza!

As of now, I write them and the meaning unfolds automatically, without attempt, as I recall my dreams. There was also a time period when I couldn't recall them for months, may be a couple of years. Of course, because I wanted to look away; look away so desperately that my memory had no choice but to oblige. Then I started missing them. Life started seeming more bland as my source of entertainment was now missing. But more importantly, I didn't want to look away anymore. I had come to the conclusion that problems don't disappear if you look away. It may seem like they have but they always remain in the back of one's mind, slowing and invisibly draining energy, deeply confusing the person, cracking the hole of emptiness faster and wider. I wanted to start mending the whole. I wanted to start charging my batteries. And once my desire for flying high was true and deep, I started using my brain instead of keeping it turned off. I started grabbing everything in my life I was unhappy with, one by one, and started tracing back steps to the original cause, I performed numerous root-cause-analyses. That was part one. Part two, probably, was grabbing hold of opportunities that came my way. I know I've talked about it before, but I can't not mention it again: Vipassana. Meditation. This awesome tool, started helping me recall my dreams accurately and instantly. Yes, it has taken more practice over the past few months and it's not a one-time-cure. But more than anything else I did before or since, meditation just solves my problems without me having to consciously think and act upon them. It's fuckin' magic!

Anyways, the moral of the blog is - Dreams rock! Our brains are geniuses! And I'm letting mine become the genius that it inherently is :D

Peace.

Hauntingly Beautiful

“Creativity is essentially a lonely art. An even lonelier struggle. To some a blessing. To others a curse. It is in reality, the ability to reach inside yourself and drag forth from your very soul an idea.” —Lou Dorfsman

My mouth hurts. Wisdom is painful.

I think this mouth-hurting business is an yearly event in my date-book. Last time wisdom started throbbing was indeed around this time in 2010. I have learned to accept it as a part of life after, uh, how many years has it been? Three, may be four. I don't know. Definitely the number that starts emerging patterns. Five? And(!), takes you to a point of knowing, experientially, that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so shut up and keep dancing! Like a period, you know. First few years are a part of learning. Being miserable. Crying, making faces, and yelling 'mommy'. Eventually you experientially learn that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so shut up and keep dancing! Or like a heartbreak. I don't know about you folks, but love isn't forever. Neither does it happen only once (Shahrukh Khan is a liar!). The first time your heart shatters, it takes a long, long time to mend. Took me 6 years. I was 16. Each time after that is probably as painful and depressing as the first, probably more, but having been through it before helps you learn, experientially, that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so keep dancing, baby!

Going back to my wisdomy-ness. I really can't do anything about it. Knife is not an option. I don't trust people with knifes, especially if there goal is to use that knife upon me. People are humans, man. Humans are like you and me. We make mistakes. Hell, I'm reading this book that encourages making mistakes. Says that's the only way we learn. True. I agree with the book. And I chose to make the mistake of experiencing wisdom on a yearly basis.

Book Recommendation - Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error by Kathryn Schulz. 

TEDTalk here - highly recommended!

Something must've happened when I was younger, unborn, or another human. This knife-fearing business must be coming from somewhere!

In other news: I fear sleep. In the fear of getting too much sleep, I end up depriving myself of it, to eventually fall down and snooze for 10-12 hours. I see the problem. I see the pattern. However, I'm too fearful to figure out what to do about it. Getting into bed is a problem. Getting out out of bed is a problem. And it's taking a toll on my productivity, and physical and mental well being. "Help, I need somebody." -Beatles.

Growing up is the shit!

My being is shadowed by a hint of sadness these days. Only when I'm alone though. And in my alone-ness, I observe a hint of pain right below my chest and above my stomach. Emotional pain, nothing medical doctors can do anything about. I'm not sure if the pain is more or less than what I'm perceiving. Focusing on it, makes it go boom-boom... but it never comes close the point of un-bearing, distances from it! And whether or not I focus on it, I can go about with my day. This thing within me is not a hindrance. A huge leap from past times when emotions would completely overcast the present, leaving me paralyzed for days, weeks, even months at a time.

I like to think I'm becoming immune. The thought that may be 'this wasn't that big a deal' crossed my mind, but that's not true at all. It was, err, is a big deal! Like all other deals that affect me deeply. It not feeling like a big deal, however, is a different story. It's a matter of immunity, it's a matter of having been there before, it's a matter of having learnt things from the past. And it's my body which has learnt stuff because my mind wants to dwell on it,  just doesn't find enough information, gives up, and moves onto other things. Things I should be doing.

Few positives have come out of this.

• I'm paying more attention to music. Especially lyrics. God knows I missed that.
• I'm also experiencing music differently. No matter what genre, I relate to it in one sole way. I use pieces of this experience - from beginning to present, from surprise and amazement to done and gone, to relate to what's playing. Or rather, allow what's playing to relate to my life. I love it! I've always been a fan of personal touch :)
• And, I break into dhyaan-mode (meditation) whenever the mind wants to disregard what my body's saying. Win-win.

Other than that, my emotions and responses continue to bounce between extremes. I smile. I tear up. I'm grateful. I'm regretful. I'm happy. I'm sad. I want to punch [them]. I truly wish for [their] happiness. All emotions true to my core. I really do feel all these things. Nothing is fake.

हाल तेरा ना हम-सा है, इस ख़ुशी में क्यूँ ग़म सा है... (Song: Tune Jo Na Kahaa, Film: New York)

Weird. Weird for me, because I don't recall ever experiencing this before.

चाहत के दो पल भी मिल पाएँ, दुनिया में ये भी कम है क्या... (Song: Senorita, Film: Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara)

Home Coming

I went photographing in the wilderness today. Panola Mountain State Park is only about a 15-20 minute drive from home.

Yes, it's home these days, not 'my apartment'. Home, where my parents live and breathe. And I do too since mid-June '11 :)

Spontaneously decided this hike sometime around midnight last night. It was based on need. A need to get away from central air-conditioning and sitting on my ass doing things that one does sitting on their ass. Which includes, in no particular order, but is not limited to: working, sketching, eating, watching, smoking, thinking, day-dreaming, drinking, planning, meditating, analyzing, reading, browsing, shitting, listening, writing, texting, talking, etcetera. I needed fresh air, some sweating, and natural peace & quite. Needed to get away from my own head - kinda hard to do since it's with me 24/7/365. Also, a certain grievance, which I didn't know needed some grieving until I grieved couple nights ago, had become stagnant. Fresh air helped it move, and while driving back I was happily and chirpily and dancingly and enjoyingly singing along chaahat ke do pal bhi mil paaye… from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara, on repeat.

In the wilderness, I listened to music, took photographs, ate aalu paranthe, smoked a cigarette, listened to nature, meditated on top of my car, read under a tree, and once ready to go, started whistling happily :) …I also threw away the cigarette pack, with some cigarettes still in it (a first!). Will see how long this quit session lasts. "Fuck you, peer pressure!" seems to have gotten stronger within me (I should consider quoting this to peers as well), so I might last longer this time… well, as long as, "Fuck your fuckin' theories, Kishu!" is even stronger.

In other news: taking time off Alcohol this Ramadan.

Silence. Again.

Every time some one asks me to 'enjoy', or 'have fun' at, my Vipassana sit/course, I'm left bewildered. FYI friends, it's like asking someone to enjoy exams, surgery, or a diagnosis :)

Back on July 5th. Peace.

Aandhi Aayi

I stayed away from Bhaag D. K. Bose for the longest time. Shayad, because I intuited a deep attraction towards it. Now that I've given in, Yes, I love it.

-Jhaag

Idiot Training

When life starts biting the behind,
makes it difficult to survive,
...start looking for signs.
The more you look,
more you'll find
...and shall start flying in no time.

It works. I started believing in and recognizing signs on Friday, March 4th 2011. They've been coming in from all directions.

The mind is such a stupid sob. It needs to be tricked and tamed throughout the way. Idiot.

Keep in Touch

Catching up with friends and family is rewarding. Period. This week has been particularly rewarding in that sense. Though I can't deny that each week, for some time, has been that way. For the longest time I underestimated the power of telecommunication - probably because I never bothered keeping in touch with anyone. But now that I'm back in the game, I can't thank technology enough. In person communication rates higher, no matter what. But phone, chat, email come in close behind, in that order.

The best thing about talking to others is that it makes me realize how much I have grown over time. Sitting in solitude and catching up with self is one thing, a very important thing. However, when mixed with sharing and listening to other peoples stories, suddenly the entire process becomes wonderous.

Love life. Love the people in it.

Can mobs be civil?

I've always loathed it when [some] people argue it is the woman's fault if she gets sexually asaulted or raped because she invited it by being there, or being beautiful, or suggesting advances. But, I'm not sure how I feel about this one: 

Female Foreign Correspondents' Code Of Silence, Finally Broken http://huff.to/dN7OVx

What do you think? 

For one thing, I KNOW mob-mentality is the lowest, scariest, most hideous the public can get. There's a level of invisibility. Law is not in place. Chaos helps overshadow everything immoral, unethical, illegal. So how can one expect (in our not-so ideal world) for people to act with civility, when the only thing that FORCES us to act in line is the fear of getting caught, the fear of loosing dignity.

Life: A Tangled Maze

It stings when good friendships turn into dust. A lot of times I feel it's unfortunate that no two entities can be on the same page. Life would seem so much easier then, I like to think. But this is also momentary; this relationship shall once again rise up from dust and reach a turn where each accepts and respects the page the other is on :). Amen.

Slept, pretty much, the entire day yesterday (Friday). I convinced myself that I was catching up on sleep, but in reality the more I slept the sleepier I got. Even depressive. Gotta consciously keep a hold on my lazy instincts.

I feel my roommates are like my family. And I love that feeling!

I used to think that people are more accepting of friends because in a way they're not directly involved and it's easier to accept one's faults when you don't have to deal with them on a regular basis. Now, however, I'm starting to think that families rate much, much higher because, although initially they may throw a tantrum or create a fuss about whatever seems out of the ordinary, once they come to terms with it, they stand tall and strong even when someone tries to push 'em down. Yeah, I know that most of the world thinks family is forever and it must come as a surprise that I am only now(!) realizing this. But while growing up, the person who influenced me the most had her own qualms about life based on her past experiences. Which, although weren't my own thoughts and beliefs, put a major impact on the way I saw things, intensely affected how I dealt with situations. I will not say that I feel unfortunate that my surroundings have affected me negatively at times, because there have been many more positive influences as well. I do, however, feel lucky to have been able to experience and interact with life so much that I can develop my own beliefs and opinions. Ideas that are my own and so strong that I can feel confident in rejecting what I learned at an impressionable age.

The above realization has nothing to do with my family. Extended or immediate. My family is not a family. It's just a word. Extended and immediate. Though, I have to admit that sometimes they surprise me with their family-like behavior.

I don't like to believe in luck. But since recently, I'm starting to feel that I am one lucky kid! I feel I've had it easy. Or may be not. May be it's all about how me, myself, and I perceive things. Because when I start thinking about the most recent crap (past 5-10 years), it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all. At one point I was even suicidal. That sounds horrible! That's the lowest someone can reach! But(!), I rose above either because of courage or because of cowardice. In my head it was cowardice. Nonetheless, I rose above and today after being past all that I feel I'm lucky. So, it's all about how the individual perceives things. We have to find faith within. No God helped me through, because I don't believe in that shit. I believed in myself. And I'm lucky that I had the courage to do just that - believe in self, instead of an outside phenomenon.

I may be getting better at suno sabki, karo apni (listen to everyone, but do what makes sense to you). However, it's unfortunate that people take it as an insult when they see that I decide not to do as they suggest and mis-categorize it as me not listening to them. Whereas to me it's just a matter of dealing with things differently because of being a different person with different experiences that lead to differing opinions and beliefs and actions. But unfortunately, feeling rejected dents one's ego and gives rise to conflict which leads to unnecessary tension that, quite simply, is made up! A figment! Life would be so easy if we just accepted people for who they are instead of forcing them to mold into our definition of perfection. How true does this sound: "I will love you if and only if you change yourself"? That's fake love! Thanks but no thanks, dear well-wisher :).

Life is so beautifully complicated! It's amazing! :D

Date of Death: Unknown

Yesterday, on January 25 '11, a man named Emmanual Hammond was executed in the state of Georgia. I had never heard his name before around 9 in the morning that day when I came across this BBC news article.

Day before yesterday, on January 24 '11 sometime around 11 o'clock in the morning, my Intro to Graphic Design teacher mentioned that his "wife's client will be executed tomorrow" and during her recent visit with him, a conversation went as such:

Him: So, what're you gonna do with your life?

Her: Buying a farm, we'll grow organic stuff.

Him: Well, you can't wear all black and high heals there! :D

note: teacher's wife is black-crazy.

The information learned on Monday was not at all ordinary, but I forgot about it as quickly and easily as it had entered my knowledge base. The information learned on Tuesday, however, made me realize that Hammond and I only had 3 (or would it be considered 2?) degrees of separation between us. Just because the article mentioned his name, my psyche promoted him from a cliental entity to a full fledged human being. I wondered about his question: "So, what're you gonna do with your life?". I wondered what he did with his life during all those days when he knew for a fact that he was only moving closer to the end as each moment passed. I wondered how every person on this earth faces what comes, because, well, doesn't everyone know for a fact that they are getting closer to the end of their lives, too? And then I wondered, what I would do if I knew that today I would breath my last.

Surprisingly, the answer did not have any skydiving or amusement park trips planned. Neither did I see myself calling or emailing everyone I know or care about. No skipping school or work, either. And not even a hint of sorrow. Instead, I saw myself driving to school - as I was doing while thinking about this - and not speeding, even though I was late. I imagined myself in class, not day-dreaming, but utilizing every minute to work on what was assigned. Applying myself fully to the tools at hand, be it paper and pencil or screen and mouse. If I knew that I was to die tomorrow, I would live my last day on earth completely submerged in the moment. Submerged in my daily reality, in the routine of what my duties demand. For that is the real me, that is what gives me my identity. And I'd want to be Geetali for every single moment of that day. And why just that day? Why not every day? Why not every moment? Because, when I walk out the door in about fifteen-minutes to hit Kroger and Unit2Fitness, I may die! I may even die before that. My misfortune, unlike Hammond's, is that I don't know my date of death and unfortunately that makes me take life for granted and lose the precious moments that only I have the power of making beautiful by the power of my being in the moment.

What are you going to do with your life?