My Path

I feel like I have found my path. होश सँभालने के बाद / ever since I came to my senses, I have always 'argued' with people about having to experience. About having to feel. Experience and Feel on my own, so that I understand. Because True Understanding comes from within, not from tell-tales of other people. Other peoples stories are just that! Stories! They're only stories for me. Not an experience. Not a feeling. Not a lesson. 

I feel like I have found my path. My path of Experience. My path of Feeling. Moving from intellectually knowing how illogical it is to have expectations, especially of those and that which are out of our control - and in all honesty, E-V-E-R-Y-THING is outside our control. Everything! - to Experiencing it and Feeling it inside me. Moving from intellectually knowing how illogical it is to get attached to people, things, thoughts, and beliefs to Experiencing and Feeling the impermanence inside of me - because the one, absolute, ultimate, undeniable, true fact is that all matter is impermanent. We all know this intellectually, don't we? But we all forget it when it comes to practice. Don't we? Experiencing and Feeling it first within, and then taking this Understanding and applying it to what is outside of me automatically results in a slight smile. A smile that reads: Awareness and Equanimity. Anicca. Anicca. Anicca. 

I have found My Path. My heart was indeed in the right place. Always.

♫♪  कुछ तो लोग कहेंगे... लोगों का काम है कहना...  ♪♫

"Caste" System is Real

I kinda like the caste system (spur of this moment thought). But it's probably definitely a horrible thing to say in this day and age.

Hear me out though.

I think we as humans inherently practice it. But don't call it the 'caste system'. The formal layout simply doesn't exist in the western world and is taken too literally in the east. It's natural to follow ones heart and seek similar collateral. Being surrounded by what mirrors our own ideas, beliefs, thoughts, actions, and way of life, amongst numerable other things, is the 'caste' system. It's categorization. And you and I do it e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y because collective functioning is core to social human nature. And we can only collaborate collectively with those who are similar to us, who fall in the same category as us!

...and it changes as we change, as life progresses, as we move from one step to another. But I don't think it changes a lot, unless one was in the wrong category to begin with and takes conscious steps to move closer to her real self. Kinda like what I am doing with my current life* :)

*current life != Geetali Sharma aka Kishu; April 22, 1987 (or 9 months prior) to present day.
current life = Designer, in training + Minimalist (Beta) + spiritual-atheist-philosopher


Hah! How about me gravitates towards concise refinement! <3 Life!

'Expectations ≈ Goals'?

A quick throw-up after reading Moving Beyond Goals on The Minimalists.

I make goals, but fail to meet them. I make goals, because I think I lack motivation. Which isn’t really true because I Have found my passion and, when engrossed, it brings happy tears to my eyes! Anything Design makes me glow.

Several years ago, I decided to let go of Expectations because I concluded from observation and analysis that they were a gateway to irrational unhappiness. Reading comments on the above blog, triggered a recollection of that idea. Letting go of Goals sounds very similar to me. Both, expectations and goals, are intellectually driven, not intuitionally. Intellect, although necessary to function, needs Intuition to create balance. In the want of expectations and goals – a fictional future – we forget to be in the present, the here & now, the true reality, and sooner or later complain of [irrational] unhappiness, of not knowing who we are, or who’s life we’re living.

Intellect comes with a certain amount of RAM and we are meant to utilize the fossil fuel Intuition (heart, gut, voice from within, motivation, whatever you may wanna call it, it’s the part of you that just knows).

I'm glad I read that blog, it has helped me further understand something truly important.

Change, I Heart

Things that bothered me in the past, fail to instill the same affect off late. Example: cold temperatures, rainy weather. I'm starting to embrace change. Happily. Enthusiastically. I enjoy change. This idea of embracing, celebrating, and often, seeking change seems to define who I am. I feel it needs deeper contemplation.

:)

♫ I feel Happy inside! -The Beatles

Nothing but the Truth!

For at least the past four months, I've been actively practicing the art of not lying. For a really long time, lying is how I dealt with my parents. Not because I was embarrassed of my lifestyle, but because I knew it was embarrassing for them. So I chose what Holy Bhagvad Gita sorta suggests and lied lies that prevented my parents from feeling hurt. 

And then I got tired. Of living a double life. Of having to keep track of fiction. And of course, of dishonesty.

So, ever since moving back, I've chosen not to lie. It was a huge step because while living separately, I didn't have to speak to them or answer to them everyday or ever. Living in close premises is different as humans are social beings and it only makes sense to socialize with those who are available at close proximity. I was having my daily, trivial chitter-chatter with my parents. That would've been a lot of fiction to invent and track if I had chosen the fictional route. But, as I said before, I plain wasn't interested! I wanted to invest my creative sparks elsewhere. Thus, it has been all honesty since then, to the point of giving them the names of my guy friends who I chill with late-late at night. *sigh* it feels nice. 

PS: This probably isn't a big deal for most people, but my Dad is Indian and expects me to be Indian, which means believing that everybody is out to get me and use me since I'm a poor little, vulnerable, weak girl and all, you know. 

Anyways. The point of the blog is - Telling the Truth has become a Habit! Sometimes the thought of lying surfaces, especially if I want to not share something because of the embarrassment factor, but Habit doesn't let it happen! It's pretty awesome! So all in all, I guess, good habits are not as difficult to form as much we've somehow convinced ourselves to believe that they are. Huh.

Try something for yourself. It only takes perseverance. 

Good night. 

Shubh raatri. 

Shabba khair.

I Dream Awesome Dreams

I haven't shared my dreams with anyone in a while because once upon a time one dude interpreted one so accurately, it scared the bejeezus outta me! Now, however, I do a pretty good job interpreting them myself and thus don't mind sharing the awesome symbolic visual imagery that comes forth from within my deep subconscious and takes me on roller coaster rides at nights.

I guess the difference between then and now is that I don't feel out of control anymore. During the summer of 2006, sharing a motel room up in the smoky mountains with four people I hadn't known too long, I felt at a loss when my deep fears and desires were exposed so easily and freely by one of them whome I had barely known for a few hours. Understood by him in an instant! Things that I chose to deliberately look away from during my waking life surfaced through another route, which, again, I had no desire to dig into. It was mere play to me, this dreaming business. Entertainment of sorts. Motion picture, emotions, even physical movements designed specifically for me that could be experienced by no one else. It was wow-ness and awe-ness. It was something trivial to talk about, to keep verbal chatter flow continuously during road-trips and lunch dates. No biggie, really. Until the smart ass shut me up for six-years. Wowza!

As of now, I write them and the meaning unfolds automatically, without attempt, as I recall my dreams. There was also a time period when I couldn't recall them for months, may be a couple of years. Of course, because I wanted to look away; look away so desperately that my memory had no choice but to oblige. Then I started missing them. Life started seeming more bland as my source of entertainment was now missing. But more importantly, I didn't want to look away anymore. I had come to the conclusion that problems don't disappear if you look away. It may seem like they have but they always remain in the back of one's mind, slowing and invisibly draining energy, deeply confusing the person, cracking the hole of emptiness faster and wider. I wanted to start mending the whole. I wanted to start charging my batteries. And once my desire for flying high was true and deep, I started using my brain instead of keeping it turned off. I started grabbing everything in my life I was unhappy with, one by one, and started tracing back steps to the original cause, I performed numerous root-cause-analyses. That was part one. Part two, probably, was grabbing hold of opportunities that came my way. I know I've talked about it before, but I can't not mention it again: Vipassana. Meditation. This awesome tool, started helping me recall my dreams accurately and instantly. Yes, it has taken more practice over the past few months and it's not a one-time-cure. But more than anything else I did before or since, meditation just solves my problems without me having to consciously think and act upon them. It's fuckin' magic!

Anyways, the moral of the blog is - Dreams rock! Our brains are geniuses! And I'm letting mine become the genius that it inherently is :D

Peace.

Hauntingly Beautiful

“Creativity is essentially a lonely art. An even lonelier struggle. To some a blessing. To others a curse. It is in reality, the ability to reach inside yourself and drag forth from your very soul an idea.” —Lou Dorfsman

My mouth hurts. Wisdom is painful.

I think this mouth-hurting business is an yearly event in my date-book. Last time wisdom started throbbing was indeed around this time in 2010. I have learned to accept it as a part of life after, uh, how many years has it been? Three, may be four. I don't know. Definitely the number that starts emerging patterns. Five? And(!), takes you to a point of knowing, experientially, that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so shut up and keep dancing! Like a period, you know. First few years are a part of learning. Being miserable. Crying, making faces, and yelling 'mommy'. Eventually you experientially learn that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so shut up and keep dancing! Or like a heartbreak. I don't know about you folks, but love isn't forever. Neither does it happen only once (Shahrukh Khan is a liar!). The first time your heart shatters, it takes a long, long time to mend. Took me 6 years. I was 16. Each time after that is probably as painful and depressing as the first, probably more, but having been through it before helps you learn, experientially, that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so keep dancing, baby!

Going back to my wisdomy-ness. I really can't do anything about it. Knife is not an option. I don't trust people with knifes, especially if there goal is to use that knife upon me. People are humans, man. Humans are like you and me. We make mistakes. Hell, I'm reading this book that encourages making mistakes. Says that's the only way we learn. True. I agree with the book. And I chose to make the mistake of experiencing wisdom on a yearly basis.

Book Recommendation - Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error by Kathryn Schulz. 

TEDTalk here - highly recommended!

Something must've happened when I was younger, unborn, or another human. This knife-fearing business must be coming from somewhere!

In other news: I fear sleep. In the fear of getting too much sleep, I end up depriving myself of it, to eventually fall down and snooze for 10-12 hours. I see the problem. I see the pattern. However, I'm too fearful to figure out what to do about it. Getting into bed is a problem. Getting out out of bed is a problem. And it's taking a toll on my productivity, and physical and mental well being. "Help, I need somebody." -Beatles.

Growing up is the shit!

My being is shadowed by a hint of sadness these days. Only when I'm alone though. And in my alone-ness, I observe a hint of pain right below my chest and above my stomach. Emotional pain, nothing medical doctors can do anything about. I'm not sure if the pain is more or less than what I'm perceiving. Focusing on it, makes it go boom-boom... but it never comes close the point of un-bearing, distances from it! And whether or not I focus on it, I can go about with my day. This thing within me is not a hindrance. A huge leap from past times when emotions would completely overcast the present, leaving me paralyzed for days, weeks, even months at a time.

I like to think I'm becoming immune. The thought that may be 'this wasn't that big a deal' crossed my mind, but that's not true at all. It was, err, is a big deal! Like all other deals that affect me deeply. It not feeling like a big deal, however, is a different story. It's a matter of immunity, it's a matter of having been there before, it's a matter of having learnt things from the past. And it's my body which has learnt stuff because my mind wants to dwell on it,  just doesn't find enough information, gives up, and moves onto other things. Things I should be doing.

Few positives have come out of this.

• I'm paying more attention to music. Especially lyrics. God knows I missed that.
• I'm also experiencing music differently. No matter what genre, I relate to it in one sole way. I use pieces of this experience - from beginning to present, from surprise and amazement to done and gone, to relate to what's playing. Or rather, allow what's playing to relate to my life. I love it! I've always been a fan of personal touch :)
• And, I break into dhyaan-mode (meditation) whenever the mind wants to disregard what my body's saying. Win-win.

Other than that, my emotions and responses continue to bounce between extremes. I smile. I tear up. I'm grateful. I'm regretful. I'm happy. I'm sad. I want to punch [them]. I truly wish for [their] happiness. All emotions true to my core. I really do feel all these things. Nothing is fake.

हाल तेरा ना हम-सा है, इस ख़ुशी में क्यूँ ग़म सा है... (Song: Tune Jo Na Kahaa, Film: New York)

Weird. Weird for me, because I don't recall ever experiencing this before.

चाहत के दो पल भी मिल पाएँ, दुनिया में ये भी कम है क्या... (Song: Senorita, Film: Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara)

Home Coming

I went photographing in the wilderness today. Panola Mountain State Park is only about a 15-20 minute drive from home.

Yes, it's home these days, not 'my apartment'. Home, where my parents live and breathe. And I do too since mid-June '11 :)

Spontaneously decided this hike sometime around midnight last night. It was based on need. A need to get away from central air-conditioning and sitting on my ass doing things that one does sitting on their ass. Which includes, in no particular order, but is not limited to: working, sketching, eating, watching, smoking, thinking, day-dreaming, drinking, planning, meditating, analyzing, reading, browsing, shitting, listening, writing, texting, talking, etcetera. I needed fresh air, some sweating, and natural peace & quite. Needed to get away from my own head - kinda hard to do since it's with me 24/7/365. Also, a certain grievance, which I didn't know needed some grieving until I grieved couple nights ago, had become stagnant. Fresh air helped it move, and while driving back I was happily and chirpily and dancingly and enjoyingly singing along chaahat ke do pal bhi mil paaye… from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara, on repeat.

In the wilderness, I listened to music, took photographs, ate aalu paranthe, smoked a cigarette, listened to nature, meditated on top of my car, read under a tree, and once ready to go, started whistling happily :) …I also threw away the cigarette pack, with some cigarettes still in it (a first!). Will see how long this quit session lasts. "Fuck you, peer pressure!" seems to have gotten stronger within me (I should consider quoting this to peers as well), so I might last longer this time… well, as long as, "Fuck your fuckin' theories, Kishu!" is even stronger.

In other news: taking time off Alcohol this Ramadan.

Silence. Again.

Every time some one asks me to 'enjoy', or 'have fun' at, my Vipassana sit/course, I'm left bewildered. FYI friends, it's like asking someone to enjoy exams, surgery, or a diagnosis :)

Back on July 5th. Peace.

Aandhi Aayi

I stayed away from Bhaag D. K. Bose for the longest time. Shayad, because I intuited a deep attraction towards it. Now that I've given in, Yes, I love it.

-Jhaag

Idiot Training

When life starts biting the behind,
makes it difficult to survive,
...start looking for signs.
The more you look,
more you'll find
...and shall start flying in no time.

It works. I started believing in and recognizing signs on Friday, March 4th 2011. They've been coming in from all directions.

The mind is such a stupid sob. It needs to be tricked and tamed throughout the way. Idiot.

Keep in Touch

Catching up with friends and family is rewarding. Period. This week has been particularly rewarding in that sense. Though I can't deny that each week, for some time, has been that way. For the longest time I underestimated the power of telecommunication - probably because I never bothered keeping in touch with anyone. But now that I'm back in the game, I can't thank technology enough. In person communication rates higher, no matter what. But phone, chat, email come in close behind, in that order.

The best thing about talking to others is that it makes me realize how much I have grown over time. Sitting in solitude and catching up with self is one thing, a very important thing. However, when mixed with sharing and listening to other peoples stories, suddenly the entire process becomes wonderous.

Love life. Love the people in it.

Can mobs be civil?

I've always loathed it when [some] people argue it is the woman's fault if she gets sexually asaulted or raped because she invited it by being there, or being beautiful, or suggesting advances. But, I'm not sure how I feel about this one: 

Female Foreign Correspondents' Code Of Silence, Finally Broken http://huff.to/dN7OVx

What do you think? 

For one thing, I KNOW mob-mentality is the lowest, scariest, most hideous the public can get. There's a level of invisibility. Law is not in place. Chaos helps overshadow everything immoral, unethical, illegal. So how can one expect (in our not-so ideal world) for people to act with civility, when the only thing that FORCES us to act in line is the fear of getting caught, the fear of loosing dignity.

Life: A Tangled Maze

It stings when good friendships turn into dust. A lot of times I feel it's unfortunate that no two entities can be on the same page. Life would seem so much easier then, I like to think. But this is also momentary; this relationship shall once again rise up from dust and reach a turn where each accepts and respects the page the other is on :). Amen.

Slept, pretty much, the entire day yesterday (Friday). I convinced myself that I was catching up on sleep, but in reality the more I slept the sleepier I got. Even depressive. Gotta consciously keep a hold on my lazy instincts.

I feel my roommates are like my family. And I love that feeling!

I used to think that people are more accepting of friends because in a way they're not directly involved and it's easier to accept one's faults when you don't have to deal with them on a regular basis. Now, however, I'm starting to think that families rate much, much higher because, although initially they may throw a tantrum or create a fuss about whatever seems out of the ordinary, once they come to terms with it, they stand tall and strong even when someone tries to push 'em down. Yeah, I know that most of the world thinks family is forever and it must come as a surprise that I am only now(!) realizing this. But while growing up, the person who influenced me the most had her own qualms about life based on her past experiences. Which, although weren't my own thoughts and beliefs, put a major impact on the way I saw things, intensely affected how I dealt with situations. I will not say that I feel unfortunate that my surroundings have affected me negatively at times, because there have been many more positive influences as well. I do, however, feel lucky to have been able to experience and interact with life so much that I can develop my own beliefs and opinions. Ideas that are my own and so strong that I can feel confident in rejecting what I learned at an impressionable age.

The above realization has nothing to do with my family. Extended or immediate. My family is not a family. It's just a word. Extended and immediate. Though, I have to admit that sometimes they surprise me with their family-like behavior.

I don't like to believe in luck. But since recently, I'm starting to feel that I am one lucky kid! I feel I've had it easy. Or may be not. May be it's all about how me, myself, and I perceive things. Because when I start thinking about the most recent crap (past 5-10 years), it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy at all. At one point I was even suicidal. That sounds horrible! That's the lowest someone can reach! But(!), I rose above either because of courage or because of cowardice. In my head it was cowardice. Nonetheless, I rose above and today after being past all that I feel I'm lucky. So, it's all about how the individual perceives things. We have to find faith within. No God helped me through, because I don't believe in that shit. I believed in myself. And I'm lucky that I had the courage to do just that - believe in self, instead of an outside phenomenon.

I may be getting better at suno sabki, karo apni (listen to everyone, but do what makes sense to you). However, it's unfortunate that people take it as an insult when they see that I decide not to do as they suggest and mis-categorize it as me not listening to them. Whereas to me it's just a matter of dealing with things differently because of being a different person with different experiences that lead to differing opinions and beliefs and actions. But unfortunately, feeling rejected dents one's ego and gives rise to conflict which leads to unnecessary tension that, quite simply, is made up! A figment! Life would be so easy if we just accepted people for who they are instead of forcing them to mold into our definition of perfection. How true does this sound: "I will love you if and only if you change yourself"? That's fake love! Thanks but no thanks, dear well-wisher :).

Life is so beautifully complicated! It's amazing! :D

Date of Death: Unknown

Yesterday, on January 25 '11, a man named Emmanual Hammond was executed in the state of Georgia. I had never heard his name before around 9 in the morning that day when I came across this BBC news article.

Day before yesterday, on January 24 '11 sometime around 11 o'clock in the morning, my Intro to Graphic Design teacher mentioned that his "wife's client will be executed tomorrow" and during her recent visit with him, a conversation went as such:

Him: So, what're you gonna do with your life?

Her: Buying a farm, we'll grow organic stuff.

Him: Well, you can't wear all black and high heals there! :D

note: teacher's wife is black-crazy.

The information learned on Monday was not at all ordinary, but I forgot about it as quickly and easily as it had entered my knowledge base. The information learned on Tuesday, however, made me realize that Hammond and I only had 3 (or would it be considered 2?) degrees of separation between us. Just because the article mentioned his name, my psyche promoted him from a cliental entity to a full fledged human being. I wondered about his question: "So, what're you gonna do with your life?". I wondered what he did with his life during all those days when he knew for a fact that he was only moving closer to the end as each moment passed. I wondered how every person on this earth faces what comes, because, well, doesn't everyone know for a fact that they are getting closer to the end of their lives, too? And then I wondered, what I would do if I knew that today I would breath my last.

Surprisingly, the answer did not have any skydiving or amusement park trips planned. Neither did I see myself calling or emailing everyone I know or care about. No skipping school or work, either. And not even a hint of sorrow. Instead, I saw myself driving to school - as I was doing while thinking about this - and not speeding, even though I was late. I imagined myself in class, not day-dreaming, but utilizing every minute to work on what was assigned. Applying myself fully to the tools at hand, be it paper and pencil or screen and mouse. If I knew that I was to die tomorrow, I would live my last day on earth completely submerged in the moment. Submerged in my daily reality, in the routine of what my duties demand. For that is the real me, that is what gives me my identity. And I'd want to be Geetali for every single moment of that day. And why just that day? Why not every day? Why not every moment? Because, when I walk out the door in about fifteen-minutes to hit Kroger and Unit2Fitness, I may die! I may even die before that. My misfortune, unlike Hammond's, is that I don't know my date of death and unfortunately that makes me take life for granted and lose the precious moments that only I have the power of making beautiful by the power of my being in the moment.

What are you going to do with your life?

What A Life!

Note: Don't get critical about the crappy writing style, focus on content instead - specially from 3rd paragraph, starting with "In other news..."

Written: Jan 23 '11

I'm in Jonesboro today, which is where my parents live. Woke up at 7:30 in the the morning after only about a five hour sleep which was preceded by a long chat with Sindhu (roomie), which was preceded by hours of game play at Dave & Buster's with a bunch of friends, which was preceded by work and a quick meet with a friend at the Auto Show being held at the Georgia World Congress Center - I wasn't interested in the cars though, my attention was on typography, instead :) - which was preceded by a happy start to Saturday morning after only about a four to five hour sleep, which was preceded by a long chat with Nammo (roomie), which was accompanied by Zinfandel - drinking started around 8 in the evening on Friday night - the chat was preceded by all four roomies - Harini, Namrata, Sindhu, and I - watching Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaayenge and praising Shahrukh Khan without stop ;), which was preceded by a beautiful evening of poetry at Proma's while Poet Dude was visiting from Boston. Whew! 30 happenin' hours! Wonderfully refreshing!

I reached home this morning around 8:45. Had told dad a few days back that I'll be home early and he doubted my abilities, had to accept the challenge and shot up at the first sound of the alarm. At home, papa was showing off the Netfilx, Blue-ray combo and started playing Guzaarish. He left in the middle due to work but I was hooked! What an amazingly beautiful film! Everything about it is just beautiful: story, actors, acting, sets, songs, direction, you name it! Hrithik Roshan is such a wonderful actor, well, everyone acted exceptionally well in this movie. If you haven't already, watch it!

In other news, in the past week I met three of the people I look up to, consider my role models in some way or another. And for the first time I wasn't starstruck. After observing and listening to them intently, they transformed from being god-like figures to normal human beings, people who make mistakes, people who lose temper, people who can be irrational and judgmental at times, people just like me! This doesn't mean my respect has gone down, not even a bit. In stead, it has now switched to an interesting combination of more respect and more relatability. They, their ideas, their actions, their abilities, their perseverance, their courage doesn't seem so far fetched anymore. They are also human with emotional needs that needed to be either fulfilled or conquered for them to become the pillar they are today. And it doesn't end there. It is a life long process that they continuously fight, but at times can't help getting sucked in. They are just like me! Seeing that confusion, that irrationality in their faces and voices and past and present tales tells me that I too, just like them, can get past the hurdles and come out shining as long as I apply myself and do not give up. Thank you, Khuda, for showing me this light :)

Added: Jan 24 '11

In addition, the above observation cum realization may have also pushed me in the direction of being less judgmental. When I don't like something about a person, instead of jumping to the conclusion that they're incompetent, I have the option of accepting that 1) they may be going through a bad phase, or 2) they are just different than myself, and that's okay! It's absolutely okay.

Adding on to the "it's okay" state-of-mind: unhappy arguments and conflicts that don't result into anything but hurt, aren't taking a toll on me these days. Yes, they hurt. But that's it. I move past them as soon as I accept that I've been hurt. I don't turn around to hurt the source in return, and it's cool. One may think that this may be piling underneath the surface to erupt at a future date, but nothing is piling up! I don't feel heavy at all. I'm light. And I'm happy. I've been saying, "I'm happy!" so much lately, that I'm starting to wonder if it's a lie - but no, I have real happiness on my face! Then I wonder if it's a mistake, a dream. And I can't really deny that, because I feel life is a dream. Each moment a reality when in it, once past it, once it's no longer a reality of the present moment but a mere memory, it starts to have a dreamlike feel, doesn't it? For that matter even when we are dreaming, it feels real when in it. So whatever it may be, however long it may last, this continuous smile is my present reality.

Although I haven't been meditating, Vipassana is the definite culprit :). It is the one that helped me reach this state and the one that helps me accept and move past things on a moment to moment basis. It is the one that helps me smile :) ...and for the past few days, I'm overflowing with love. Unconditional love. I love everyone and everything around me. Sometimes it becomes so overwhelming that I don't know how or where to direct it. My eyesight becomes hazy, because it's so effin' full of love! WOW. I've never been here before. And although adjusting is taking some time, I definitely like it here :)

Designer, in training.

Today was the first day of my second Typography class of the week. Went to the first one yesterday, but learned the same evening that I was being kicked out of it since there had been a glich with the system and the student who's seat I had grabbed was dropped out of that class mistakenly. Lucky me is back in the same night class I had so elegantly dodged. Oh well. The evening class dude seems cool and dedicated and I feel I wouldn't mind not reaching home until after 10 O'clock every Thursday if my sixth sense is sensing it right.

While going over typography nomenclature in class, we hit river, orphan and widow. Immediately I went from partly paying attention and partly dozing off to completely recalling my high school years when I wasted most of my time trying to avoid these exact things while trying to write scholarly essays and satires that went above and beyond the expectations of Mr. Kirk and Ms. Schernekau.

It makes me happy.

And it makes me sad.

Then I come back to reality and accept the fact.

Happy because I've always had this in me. Naturally.

Sad because I didn't know what it meant. 'cause no one could point me towards the direction in my head.

And then I accept it, because I'm here now. And it's not too late. Not too late to fret at all.

:)

arre bhaiya all iz well

Happy and Merry

Today, like the past few days, was another round of happyness and merryness (misspelled on purpose :). The day started not as early as planned but ended up being more productive than the entire last week, combined! School, classwork, job, high priority errands, cooking turn, workout, homework, socializing, everything. I accomplished everything anticipated and more!

It is true: beauty does lie in the eye of the beholder. These days everything around me is beautiful, even when it's not! I smile. I radiate. And no, I'm not in love! At least not in love with another individual. Just content and comfortable with where I am, but still have that motivating drive encouraging me to keep going. Comfortable but not lazy. Content but still thirsty.

My third annual round of self-exploration just came to an end and this is where I end. Happy and Merry. May have figured out more concrete stuff this time around, or may be it's an illusion because it's a build up upon the past two years. Either way, I'm happy. And I'm merry.

…and when I'm happy and merry I cook what I don't cook other wise to share the happyness and merryness with, I guess, my family - roomies :). Today was a Chipotle-copy-cat meal. Turned out well.

That's about it. I don't know what more I want to say. Just wanted to record this happyness and merryness.

Atlanta Snow Week

Atlanta and surrounding areas have been snowed in since Sunday (Jan 9) evening. Large part of Georgia came to a screeching halt and schools, offices, stores were closed on Monday and Tuesday. Things started picking up today, Wednesday... but the road conditions haven't improved much on the outskirts, i.e. outside downtown or midtown Atlanta. More places will start opening their doors tomorrow (Thursday), but they're being cautious by starting late (Georgia Tech at 10a, Art Institute at noon), but many continue to play it safe by declaring another day off.

In all this chaos, instead of enjoying this unexpected extra time with self or with family or by doing something that they had been putting off because of the lack of time, people continue to complain. When suspected that Ai may not resume classes on Thursday either, I read students writing on Facebook how disappointed they were; and then when we learnt that school will indeed be open starting noon (still not sure, we'll know the real deal tomorrow) students started cribbing about the serious icy road conditions. It's really mind boggling. Do we really, always, want what we don't get?! WHY?

I came back from a 10 day Vipassana course on Friday, Jan 7. And thank god I did it when I did (wish I could've done it sooner though). Through all this snow and ice mayhem, I've been sitting and observing peoples reactions. Not at all ideal. They do - and I can't figure out why - continue to make themselves miserable based on something that's not even in their control! Wow, indeed. So what if you get another week off school. So what if you can't go anywhere. So what if school will drag into another week at quarter or semester end. So what if you'll have to move around some plans. You can't fight with anybody about it, damn it! What're you gonna do? Punch nature in its face? Psh! Read a book. Watch movies. Play board games. Get to know your roommates. Do something you haven't done in forever or ever. There's no lack of things to do, even if you can't step outside.

Live in the moment, Atlanta. You may miss it when it's gone; and it will be gone. Impermanence is how nature works, just observe how long it lasts, objectively, without identifying yourself with it - Vipassana words :)

Happy Ice and Snow week! Peace, Atlanta 2011.