Happy Birthday, Nani

Every year on this day I would wish her happy birthday. No phone call today. No live voice streaming. Just memories. Bas yaadein reh jaati hain.

Second Half of the Year 1990

I wonder if babies pop out crying because they are mourning the loss of their past life.

I wonder where my nani is now.

I miss her.

I hope she's happy and worry-free.

I hope we meet again...

...and fall in love all over again :)

PS: My nani passed away less than 2 months ago. I blogged about it here, here, and here.

Reading Eat, Pray, Love

I've always described myself as a seasonal reader. I read books back-to-back, and then go through periods of absolutely no book reading unless it's "required". I haven't had required reading in while and so, the past several years, I read zero books... probably also because television shows are movies are so easily accessible now. I decided to put an end to this last year.

Book that broke the fast was The Secret Life of Bees; took me about 6 months to finish it. I read a total of 3 books in 2013.

For 2014, my goals is 10 books. Not ambitious by itself, however, decent in comparison to last year, in my opinion. I've mostly been focusing on non-fiction books, motivational or self-help type. I've read 8 books this year so far.

Moving onto a lighter read now - Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. A #1 New York Times Bestseller, but has its share of bad reviews. Not an issue. Because... I prefer to form my own opinion, and because... I often end up finding something good in everything.

So far, I like the short chapters. I'm only 28 pages and 9 chapters in.

Life is good.

I moved into my new place on June 21st, the first day of summer. I like the symbolism of that! I am a romantic at heart and symbols are romantic to me :-)

I like my house-mates. We were friends before house-mates and this new relationship is a nice shift of energy... moving more into the territory of familiality, which I like! Love! Adore! Desire!

I also have a couple of job interviews this week and they both look promising. I am not nervous, but excited and confident. There is not one thing about me that I feel the need to hide, tweak, or fake. I am who I am and if I say, "I am pretty decent" I would be underplaying it.

I am the same person on the surface as I am underneath the surface. The thoughts that I hear in my head are the same that I speak to others. There are no masks, there are no skeletons. Honesty, purity, kindness, love and other such wondernessess live and breed in me.

I am conscious, not passive. I choose, not react. When shit happens, my life doesn't end there, it continues to breath and prosper. It finds fun and adventure in highs and lows. Lows aren't thought of as lows anymore by this new mind that I now possesses, instead they're highs. They're opporunities, they're windows into new doors.

Life is good, to put it simply.

Change comes when comfort settles. Today, i.e. four days before I move out to be on my own, I feel a little extra at home at home. The finale is nearing and with that nostalgia brews.

:~)

Shock Therapy

I gave a one-month notice at my current job today. It lit a fire behind my butt. Meaning, I do not have another job lined up yet, yet I gave a notice.

This action is something I needed to get things moving. I have been wanting to move on for a while, am in the middle of interviewing with one place, but haven't applied to any other desirable jobs in all the past weeks that I've fantasized about moving on. My comfortable association with my current place of work was keeping me from going out after the next big thing. Fire behind my butt is exactly what I needed. This shift in energy is exactly what I needed.

I know it'll all work out fine. There's no worry in the air. Only inspiration and motivation. And just the right amount of shock therapy to put perspective on the commodity of time, allowing fine tuning the management of it.

What are you doing differently today?

Completion

I want to make a habit of finishing things. And finishing them quickly! Say, biweekly vs. stretching over a few months. This means fewer things happening simultaneously. For example, reading 1-2 books at a time instead of 5! Ideally, just one.

Between April and May I finished reading 3 or 4 books and an introductory HTML/CSS course on www.codecademy.com Reading that last page, checking off that last question, is such a good feeling. It fills me up with positivity and confidence. I want to feel more of this type of energy.

This applies to daily things, too. Such as completing an exercise routine... or something as simple and as short as making the bed.

Feeling of Completion. That's what I'm deliberately striving for starting now until it becomes an effortless habit. 

Self Assessment

Things I want to do in this lifetime:

1. donate a minimum of $100,000 to charity (because that's how big I can think right now... I wish to stretch myself to add way more zeroes to the end of that)
2. write, write, write ... and publish a book that people can hold in their hands and lend to their friends to read
3. become accutely aware of my subconcious reactions and limitations and override them deliberately and intentionally 
4. become an AWESOME graphic and web designer/developer
5. have real and meaningful relationships with people who choose to live consciously
6. choose curiosity every single day
7. be sexy in body, mind, and spirit
8. be the person I wish everyone chooses to be : kind, compassionate, loving, caring

How I'm doing so far:

1. So far I've donated ten and twenty dollars here and there, plus hundreds of volunteer hours. All together should be somewhere close to $10,000-$15,000 range.  Which means, I should be aiming wayy higher than $100k :)
2. This blog was started in 2004. So much writing has already been done. A writing style has been developed. Now, pulling some of this together, and continuing a writing habit.
3. Meditation, meditation, meditation. Every couple of months re-assessing how I'm doing with my daily practice. Recently, recommitted to 2 hours for daily practice.
4. Some resistance to this right now. My accountability group (Failure Club) is very motivating!
5. Oh god, I have many of these people in my life already. And I feel rather blessed. There's always room for more goodness. 
6. I have been making this a daily practice at work since the past two months. I notice now that it's become a habit. I engage with people automatically, without effort now. Good stuff!
7. This is a work in progress.
8. Doing it. More can be done every day, though.

Writing & Me

(composed on April 4, 2013)

During the 1998-99 school year, as a 6th grader in New Delhi, India, I was introduced to a form of creative-writing that instantly wooed me! It brought me to doors that I hadn't imagined existed. My love for writing is solidly grounded in that one grade-level, that one course, and that one single concept -- writing autobiographies of animate and inanimate objects.

Writing these autobiographies was like "reading" a mystery novel. I did not know what my pen would form next, what my mind would fathom. With the thrill to uncover the story, I would write quickly, bumping up my heartrate with excitement, allowing my arm to start hurting without fail each time. I would write more than the requirement and let my imagination do somersaults.

Aforementioned writing method introduced me to the vastness of my own mind and the creativity that resides within it. The essays were mere bait, and the feelings of falling in love with this method, though true, were also illusionary. I was actually discovering and falling in love with myself!

My relationship with writing, outside of academics [and sometimes even within it], has had the underlying theme of self-discovery. My private journals, online blogs and forum participation, personal emails and texts, handwritten letters and love notes, public comments and tweets, they all continue to evolve overtime. As do I.

Based on the need of the moment, I write to empty and quiten the mind, and I also write to fill it up with ideas, possibilities, direction; I write for clarity and to unjumble, and I also write to question and stir things up. I continue to make discoveries as my pen draws from the fathoms of my mind, and I continue to fall in love with writing, with words, with discovery, and with self!

Product of Two Cultures

Being a product of two culture is more than just confusing and challenging. Especially when these two cultures don't understand each other and critically judge each other.

Who am I in the midst of this? 

Unfortunately for now, it often feels like a battle. No matter what choice I make, I end up having to explain myself to either of the cultures; because as one choice may be an inherent way of being in one culture, it appears absolutely outrageous to the other.

At the end of the day, for me, it comes down to knowing that I know myself best and I know why I am making the choices that I am making.

On the positive side, it doesn't always hurt to have been exposed to two drastically opposing schools of thought. Just makes life that much more full of options and opportunities :)

On "Morning Pages"

Hi. I'm here. Writing.

Ya know, I journal privately still. Especially morning pages. They allow me to start my day afresh, with clarity and focus, with understanding of and insight into what positivity and/or negativity is surfacing in my mind. This helps increase my everyday levels of joy & happiness, resulting in beaming smiles; and lower my everyday levels of stress & anxiety, and feelings of overwhelmingness. Sometimes I write for 20 minutes, sometime for over an hour. And almost always end with a sigh of relief, as if releasing a big load.

March 22nd was the last time I wrote morning pages. Sat a silent meditation course that started only a few days after the 22nd and since then have been in a habit of not writing. I feel the pressure inside :) ...my thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires, complaints, amends, resolves, reflections, plans, etc. want to come bursting forward. I don't even know what all is in me right now. It won't come forward until I sit and start typing.

I'll let this post end here. Getting back into the habit of blogging will take building, too. Be this an abrupt ending and/or post or not, I wrote and published. That's what matters :)

An Apology to Self.

I haven't published any blogs in a very long time. Stating the obvious here :)
I thought I knew why, but today I am unsure. I read a few posts ... some from years ago and some recent. It is refreshing to re-connect to emotions and experiences from the past. Why had I stopped from giving this gift to my future self?

Somehow, somewhere along the way I got this notion in my head that no one wants to read what I'm writing. Or that I'm not cool enough. Even that things are changing way too quickly to stay current. But today, right now, I am seeing those "reasons" as limitations that I put on myself.

This is not for anyone else. If someone else enjoys it, that's a bonus! First and foremost, this is for myself. I enjoy writing, reflecting, processing, and documenting my life.

Let this blogpost be an apology to myself. An apology to the little wonder in me who thrives on experience, reflection, and sharing. <33 p="">