Self Assessment

Things I want to do in this lifetime:

1. donate a minimum of $100,000 to charity (because that's how big I can think right now... I wish to stretch myself to add way more zeroes to the end of that)
2. write, write, write ... and publish a book that people can hold in their hands and lend to their friends to read
3. become accutely aware of my subconcious reactions and limitations and override them deliberately and intentionally 
4. become an AWESOME graphic and web designer/developer
5. have real and meaningful relationships with people who choose to live consciously
6. choose curiosity every single day
7. be sexy in body, mind, and spirit
8. be the person I wish everyone chooses to be : kind, compassionate, loving, caring

How I'm doing so far:

1. So far I've donated ten and twenty dollars here and there, plus hundreds of volunteer hours. All together should be somewhere close to $10,000-$15,000 range.  Which means, I should be aiming wayy higher than $100k :)
2. This blog was started in 2004. So much writing has already been done. A writing style has been developed. Now, pulling some of this together, and continuing a writing habit.
3. Meditation, meditation, meditation. Every couple of months re-assessing how I'm doing with my daily practice. Recently, recommitted to 2 hours for daily practice.
4. Some resistance to this right now. My accountability group (Failure Club) is very motivating!
5. Oh god, I have many of these people in my life already. And I feel rather blessed. There's always room for more goodness. 
6. I have been making this a daily practice at work since the past two months. I notice now that it's become a habit. I engage with people automatically, without effort now. Good stuff!
7. This is a work in progress.
8. Doing it. More can be done every day, though.

Writing & Me

(composed on April 4, 2013)

During the 1998-99 school year, as a 6th grader in New Delhi, India, I was introduced to a form of creative-writing that instantly wooed me! It brought me to doors that I hadn't imagined existed. My love for writing is solidly grounded in that one grade-level, that one course, and that one single concept -- writing autobiographies of animate and inanimate objects.

Writing these autobiographies was like "reading" a mystery novel. I did not know what my pen would form next, what my mind would fathom. With the thrill to uncover the story, I would write quickly, bumping up my heartrate with excitement, allowing my arm to start hurting without fail each time. I would write more than the requirement and let my imagination do somersaults.

Aforementioned writing method introduced me to the vastness of my own mind and the creativity that resides within it. The essays were mere bait, and the feelings of falling in love with this method, though true, were also illusionary. I was actually discovering and falling in love with myself!

My relationship with writing, outside of academics [and sometimes even within it], has had the underlying theme of self-discovery. My private journals, online blogs and forum participation, personal emails and texts, handwritten letters and love notes, public comments and tweets, they all continue to evolve overtime. As do I.

Based on the need of the moment, I write to empty and quiten the mind, and I also write to fill it up with ideas, possibilities, direction; I write for clarity and to unjumble, and I also write to question and stir things up. I continue to make discoveries as my pen draws from the fathoms of my mind, and I continue to fall in love with writing, with words, with discovery, and with self!

Product of Two Cultures

Being a product of two culture is more than just confusing and challenging. Especially when these two cultures don't understand each other and critically judge each other.

Who am I in the midst of this? 

Unfortunately for now, it often feels like a battle. No matter what choice I make, I end up having to explain myself to either of the cultures; because as one choice may be an inherent way of being in one culture, it appears absolutely outrageous to the other.

At the end of the day, for me, it comes down to knowing that I know myself best and I know why I am making the choices that I am making.

On the positive side, it doesn't always hurt to have been exposed to two drastically opposing schools of thought. Just makes life that much more full of options and opportunities :)

On "Morning Pages"

Hi. I'm here. Writing.

Ya know, I journal privately still. Especially morning pages. They allow me to start my day afresh, with clarity and focus, with understanding of and insight into what positivity and/or negativity is surfacing in my mind. This helps increase my everyday levels of joy & happiness, resulting in beaming smiles; and lower my everyday levels of stress & anxiety, and feelings of overwhelmingness. Sometimes I write for 20 minutes, sometime for over an hour. And almost always end with a sigh of relief, as if releasing a big load.

March 22nd was the last time I wrote morning pages. Sat a silent meditation course that started only a few days after the 22nd and since then have been in a habit of not writing. I feel the pressure inside :) ...my thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires, complaints, amends, resolves, reflections, plans, etc. want to come bursting forward. I don't even know what all is in me right now. It won't come forward until I sit and start typing.

I'll let this post end here. Getting back into the habit of blogging will take building, too. Be this an abrupt ending and/or post or not, I wrote and published. That's what matters :)

An Apology to Self.

I haven't published any blogs in a very long time. Stating the obvious here :)
I thought I knew why, but today I am unsure. I read a few posts ... some from years ago and some recent. It is refreshing to re-connect to emotions and experiences from the past. Why had I stopped from giving this gift to my future self?

Somehow, somewhere along the way I got this notion in my head that no one wants to read what I'm writing. Or that I'm not cool enough. Even that things are changing way too quickly to stay current. But today, right now, I am seeing those "reasons" as limitations that I put on myself.

This is not for anyone else. If someone else enjoys it, that's a bonus! First and foremost, this is for myself. I enjoy writing, reflecting, processing, and documenting my life.

Let this blogpost be an apology to myself. An apology to the little wonder in me who thrives on experience, reflection, and sharing. <33 p="">

Pong game

Work in progress...


http://www.codeskulptor.org/#user13_8LXiPLJ2dn_8.py

I see Light.

Life is a series of transitions.
One after another.
Until, Cessation. Freedom. Liberation.

When I become ready, a lesson strategically presents itself. Accepting it is up to me. Acceptance does not guarantee success. However, success does guarantee the manifestation of another lesson. And yet another lesson after that... and another one and so on... until, all lessons cease, wisdom arises, freedom and liberation prevail.

Currently, transitioning.
Yet again.
Constantly.
Until... Cessation. Freedom. Liberation.
That's right. Liberation is where all this is leading.
Freedom.
Cessation.
It Exits. I Know. I just Know.
Thus, I Believe. Thus, I Do.

I once borrowed a Dr. Phil book from a friend. One of the sentences that stood out for me explained how time heals all wounds. The psychologist-author felt necessary, and rightly so, to point out that it's not just time that heals wounds, it's what happens in that time that does the healing.

A lot, a whole wide lot, is happening in my time. It started some two-and-a-half-years ago, when I started making conscious, often difficult and painful, choices for true long-term happiness. It was slow at first as the process was new and I still had a lot of resistance to it. It started picking up pace as I got more familiar with and skillful in embracing change, listening to my intuition, making those hard choices, and especially as I started reaping the benefits, which for me show up as Freedom. Plain old, Freedom. Freedom from my own notions and ideas and thoughts and conditioning and habits. Hidden way underneath in, what appears to be a deep dark bottom less well, of unconscious behavior and triggers. Slowly, constantly, much rapidly, entering the periphery of my conscious awareness. And thus, slowly, constantly, much rapidly, entering the zone of tough decision making. And thus, slowly, constantly, much rapidly, are being let go of, turning into freedom, ceasing from future existence.

The wheel is turning much faster now. Especially since March-end 2012, when I decided and was accepted to do long-term service at the US Southeast Vipassana Center, aka Dhamma Patapa, in Jesup, Georgia. I filed whatever paperwork I needed to file at school. I shared this road less traveled decision with my family and friends. I finished whatever commitments I had in Atlanta. And by June 15, the three-ish-month transition from that to this ceased; I was here with a travellers backpack, a drawstring bag, six pairs of clothes, two pairs of shoes, a laptop, some stationary, a smart-phone that no longer has service but does have apps!, a yoga mat, and garmin to keep track of how much I run (if and when I run, time and energy permitting).

Before, I could never imagine myself living this life even for fictional kicks. Now, I cannot imagine doing anything else... for all this is teaching me, for all who I am becoming, for all that is still left to unfold.

I've been here five-months, and as per my commitment, I have another four-five to go. I know I will find myself in an even faster roll in no time. I know I will continue to cease, free, let go of notions, ideas, thoughts, conditioning, habits, behaviors, triggers. Notions, ideas, thoughts, conditioning, habits, behaviors, triggers that I am aware of. Notions, ideas, thoughts, conditioning, habits, behaviors, triggers that I am not even aware of.

I Know
I just Know
Thus, I Believe
Thus, I Do
:)

hey you, you be happy too!
<3

Nothing is forever, man, absolutely nothing is forever. Yet we insist upon the eternity of things. Eternity only exists in the present, current, single, passing moment. Observe it. Feel it. Be it.

Effortless Effort

Think about it.
What're your thoughts?
Hint: In my case, intuition spurred meaning and understanding. Effortlessly.

Bonds. Where do they come from?

I'm wondering about 'rishtey' (translation: relationships). Where do they come from? How do they form? The kind of 'rishtey' that are below the surface. Not mama, chacha, beta type. The kind that are non-family related. The kind of 'rishtey' present between certain souls as some sort of a bond. A bond that defies time, distance, and hiatus of communication. The bonds whose presence is felt even in the absence. The bonds whose absence isn't dreaded or mourned, but whose eternal, abstract, absolute presence is known, felt, and appreciated always. The bonds that in spite of the hiatus start from the present, are always in the present ...even in their summary of the past. Where to these bonds come from?

My Path

I feel like I have found my path. होश सँभालने के बाद / ever since I came to my senses, I have always 'argued' with people about having to experience. About having to feel. Experience and Feel on my own, so that I understand. Because True Understanding comes from within, not from tell-tales of other people. Other peoples stories are just that! Stories! They're only stories for me. Not an experience. Not a feeling. Not a lesson. 

I feel like I have found my path. My path of Experience. My path of Feeling. Moving from intellectually knowing how illogical it is to have expectations, especially of those and that which are out of our control - and in all honesty, E-V-E-R-Y-THING is outside our control. Everything! - to Experiencing it and Feeling it inside me. Moving from intellectually knowing how illogical it is to get attached to people, things, thoughts, and beliefs to Experiencing and Feeling the impermanence inside of me - because the one, absolute, ultimate, undeniable, true fact is that all matter is impermanent. We all know this intellectually, don't we? But we all forget it when it comes to practice. Don't we? Experiencing and Feeling it first within, and then taking this Understanding and applying it to what is outside of me automatically results in a slight smile. A smile that reads: Awareness and Equanimity. Anicca. Anicca. Anicca. 

I have found My Path. My heart was indeed in the right place. Always.

♫♪  कुछ तो लोग कहेंगे... लोगों का काम है कहना...  ♪♫

"Caste" System is Real

I kinda like the caste system (spur of this moment thought). But it's probably definitely a horrible thing to say in this day and age.

Hear me out though.

I think we as humans inherently practice it. But don't call it the 'caste system'. The formal layout simply doesn't exist in the western world and is taken too literally in the east. It's natural to follow ones heart and seek similar collateral. Being surrounded by what mirrors our own ideas, beliefs, thoughts, actions, and way of life, amongst numerable other things, is the 'caste' system. It's categorization. And you and I do it e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y because collective functioning is core to social human nature. And we can only collaborate collectively with those who are similar to us, who fall in the same category as us!

...and it changes as we change, as life progresses, as we move from one step to another. But I don't think it changes a lot, unless one was in the wrong category to begin with and takes conscious steps to move closer to her real self. Kinda like what I am doing with my current life* :)

*current life != Geetali Sharma aka Kishu; April 22, 1987 (or 9 months prior) to present day.
current life = Designer, in training + Minimalist (Beta) + spiritual-atheist-philosopher


Hah! How about me gravitates towards concise refinement! <3 Life!

'Expectations ≈ Goals'?

A quick throw-up after reading Moving Beyond Goals on The Minimalists.

I make goals, but fail to meet them. I make goals, because I think I lack motivation. Which isn’t really true because I Have found my passion and, when engrossed, it brings happy tears to my eyes! Anything Design makes me glow.

Several years ago, I decided to let go of Expectations because I concluded from observation and analysis that they were a gateway to irrational unhappiness. Reading comments on the above blog, triggered a recollection of that idea. Letting go of Goals sounds very similar to me. Both, expectations and goals, are intellectually driven, not intuitionally. Intellect, although necessary to function, needs Intuition to create balance. In the want of expectations and goals – a fictional future – we forget to be in the present, the here & now, the true reality, and sooner or later complain of [irrational] unhappiness, of not knowing who we are, or who’s life we’re living.

Intellect comes with a certain amount of RAM and we are meant to utilize the fossil fuel Intuition (heart, gut, voice from within, motivation, whatever you may wanna call it, it’s the part of you that just knows).

I'm glad I read that blog, it has helped me further understand something truly important.

Change, I Heart

Things that bothered me in the past, fail to instill the same affect off late. Example: cold temperatures, rainy weather. I'm starting to embrace change. Happily. Enthusiastically. I enjoy change. This idea of embracing, celebrating, and often, seeking change seems to define who I am. I feel it needs deeper contemplation.

:)

♫ I feel Happy inside! -The Beatles

Nothing but the Truth!

For at least the past four months, I've been actively practicing the art of not lying. For a really long time, lying is how I dealt with my parents. Not because I was embarrassed of my lifestyle, but because I knew it was embarrassing for them. So I chose what Holy Bhagvad Gita sorta suggests and lied lies that prevented my parents from feeling hurt. 

And then I got tired. Of living a double life. Of having to keep track of fiction. And of course, of dishonesty.

So, ever since moving back, I've chosen not to lie. It was a huge step because while living separately, I didn't have to speak to them or answer to them everyday or ever. Living in close premises is different as humans are social beings and it only makes sense to socialize with those who are available at close proximity. I was having my daily, trivial chitter-chatter with my parents. That would've been a lot of fiction to invent and track if I had chosen the fictional route. But, as I said before, I plain wasn't interested! I wanted to invest my creative sparks elsewhere. Thus, it has been all honesty since then, to the point of giving them the names of my guy friends who I chill with late-late at night. *sigh* it feels nice. 

PS: This probably isn't a big deal for most people, but my Dad is Indian and expects me to be Indian, which means believing that everybody is out to get me and use me since I'm a poor little, vulnerable, weak girl and all, you know. 

Anyways. The point of the blog is - Telling the Truth has become a Habit! Sometimes the thought of lying surfaces, especially if I want to not share something because of the embarrassment factor, but Habit doesn't let it happen! It's pretty awesome! So all in all, I guess, good habits are not as difficult to form as much we've somehow convinced ourselves to believe that they are. Huh.

Try something for yourself. It only takes perseverance. 

Good night. 

Shubh raatri. 

Shabba khair.

I Dream Awesome Dreams

I haven't shared my dreams with anyone in a while because once upon a time one dude interpreted one so accurately, it scared the bejeezus outta me! Now, however, I do a pretty good job interpreting them myself and thus don't mind sharing the awesome symbolic visual imagery that comes forth from within my deep subconscious and takes me on roller coaster rides at nights.

I guess the difference between then and now is that I don't feel out of control anymore. During the summer of 2006, sharing a motel room up in the smoky mountains with four people I hadn't known too long, I felt at a loss when my deep fears and desires were exposed so easily and freely by one of them whome I had barely known for a few hours. Understood by him in an instant! Things that I chose to deliberately look away from during my waking life surfaced through another route, which, again, I had no desire to dig into. It was mere play to me, this dreaming business. Entertainment of sorts. Motion picture, emotions, even physical movements designed specifically for me that could be experienced by no one else. It was wow-ness and awe-ness. It was something trivial to talk about, to keep verbal chatter flow continuously during road-trips and lunch dates. No biggie, really. Until the smart ass shut me up for six-years. Wowza!

As of now, I write them and the meaning unfolds automatically, without attempt, as I recall my dreams. There was also a time period when I couldn't recall them for months, may be a couple of years. Of course, because I wanted to look away; look away so desperately that my memory had no choice but to oblige. Then I started missing them. Life started seeming more bland as my source of entertainment was now missing. But more importantly, I didn't want to look away anymore. I had come to the conclusion that problems don't disappear if you look away. It may seem like they have but they always remain in the back of one's mind, slowing and invisibly draining energy, deeply confusing the person, cracking the hole of emptiness faster and wider. I wanted to start mending the whole. I wanted to start charging my batteries. And once my desire for flying high was true and deep, I started using my brain instead of keeping it turned off. I started grabbing everything in my life I was unhappy with, one by one, and started tracing back steps to the original cause, I performed numerous root-cause-analyses. That was part one. Part two, probably, was grabbing hold of opportunities that came my way. I know I've talked about it before, but I can't not mention it again: Vipassana. Meditation. This awesome tool, started helping me recall my dreams accurately and instantly. Yes, it has taken more practice over the past few months and it's not a one-time-cure. But more than anything else I did before or since, meditation just solves my problems without me having to consciously think and act upon them. It's fuckin' magic!

Anyways, the moral of the blog is - Dreams rock! Our brains are geniuses! And I'm letting mine become the genius that it inherently is :D

Peace.

Hauntingly Beautiful

“Creativity is essentially a lonely art. An even lonelier struggle. To some a blessing. To others a curse. It is in reality, the ability to reach inside yourself and drag forth from your very soul an idea.” —Lou Dorfsman

My mouth hurts. Wisdom is painful.

I think this mouth-hurting business is an yearly event in my date-book. Last time wisdom started throbbing was indeed around this time in 2010. I have learned to accept it as a part of life after, uh, how many years has it been? Three, may be four. I don't know. Definitely the number that starts emerging patterns. Five? And(!), takes you to a point of knowing, experientially, that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so shut up and keep dancing! Like a period, you know. First few years are a part of learning. Being miserable. Crying, making faces, and yelling 'mommy'. Eventually you experientially learn that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so shut up and keep dancing! Or like a heartbreak. I don't know about you folks, but love isn't forever. Neither does it happen only once (Shahrukh Khan is a liar!). The first time your heart shatters, it takes a long, long time to mend. Took me 6 years. I was 16. Each time after that is probably as painful and depressing as the first, probably more, but having been through it before helps you learn, experientially, that (1) the pain is only momentary and (2) you can't fuckin' do nothing about it, so keep dancing, baby!

Going back to my wisdomy-ness. I really can't do anything about it. Knife is not an option. I don't trust people with knifes, especially if there goal is to use that knife upon me. People are humans, man. Humans are like you and me. We make mistakes. Hell, I'm reading this book that encourages making mistakes. Says that's the only way we learn. True. I agree with the book. And I chose to make the mistake of experiencing wisdom on a yearly basis.

Book Recommendation - Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error by Kathryn Schulz. 

TEDTalk here - highly recommended!

Something must've happened when I was younger, unborn, or another human. This knife-fearing business must be coming from somewhere!

In other news: I fear sleep. In the fear of getting too much sleep, I end up depriving myself of it, to eventually fall down and snooze for 10-12 hours. I see the problem. I see the pattern. However, I'm too fearful to figure out what to do about it. Getting into bed is a problem. Getting out out of bed is a problem. And it's taking a toll on my productivity, and physical and mental well being. "Help, I need somebody." -Beatles.

Growing up is the shit!

My being is shadowed by a hint of sadness these days. Only when I'm alone though. And in my alone-ness, I observe a hint of pain right below my chest and above my stomach. Emotional pain, nothing medical doctors can do anything about. I'm not sure if the pain is more or less than what I'm perceiving. Focusing on it, makes it go boom-boom... but it never comes close the point of un-bearing, distances from it! And whether or not I focus on it, I can go about with my day. This thing within me is not a hindrance. A huge leap from past times when emotions would completely overcast the present, leaving me paralyzed for days, weeks, even months at a time.

I like to think I'm becoming immune. The thought that may be 'this wasn't that big a deal' crossed my mind, but that's not true at all. It was, err, is a big deal! Like all other deals that affect me deeply. It not feeling like a big deal, however, is a different story. It's a matter of immunity, it's a matter of having been there before, it's a matter of having learnt things from the past. And it's my body which has learnt stuff because my mind wants to dwell on it,  just doesn't find enough information, gives up, and moves onto other things. Things I should be doing.

Few positives have come out of this.

• I'm paying more attention to music. Especially lyrics. God knows I missed that.
• I'm also experiencing music differently. No matter what genre, I relate to it in one sole way. I use pieces of this experience - from beginning to present, from surprise and amazement to done and gone, to relate to what's playing. Or rather, allow what's playing to relate to my life. I love it! I've always been a fan of personal touch :)
• And, I break into dhyaan-mode (meditation) whenever the mind wants to disregard what my body's saying. Win-win.

Other than that, my emotions and responses continue to bounce between extremes. I smile. I tear up. I'm grateful. I'm regretful. I'm happy. I'm sad. I want to punch [them]. I truly wish for [their] happiness. All emotions true to my core. I really do feel all these things. Nothing is fake.

हाल तेरा ना हम-सा है, इस ख़ुशी में क्यूँ ग़म सा है... (Song: Tune Jo Na Kahaa, Film: New York)

Weird. Weird for me, because I don't recall ever experiencing this before.

चाहत के दो पल भी मिल पाएँ, दुनिया में ये भी कम है क्या... (Song: Senorita, Film: Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara)

Home Coming

I went photographing in the wilderness today. Panola Mountain State Park is only about a 15-20 minute drive from home.

Yes, it's home these days, not 'my apartment'. Home, where my parents live and breathe. And I do too since mid-June '11 :)

Spontaneously decided this hike sometime around midnight last night. It was based on need. A need to get away from central air-conditioning and sitting on my ass doing things that one does sitting on their ass. Which includes, in no particular order, but is not limited to: working, sketching, eating, watching, smoking, thinking, day-dreaming, drinking, planning, meditating, analyzing, reading, browsing, shitting, listening, writing, texting, talking, etcetera. I needed fresh air, some sweating, and natural peace & quite. Needed to get away from my own head - kinda hard to do since it's with me 24/7/365. Also, a certain grievance, which I didn't know needed some grieving until I grieved couple nights ago, had become stagnant. Fresh air helped it move, and while driving back I was happily and chirpily and dancingly and enjoyingly singing along chaahat ke do pal bhi mil paaye… from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara, on repeat.

In the wilderness, I listened to music, took photographs, ate aalu paranthe, smoked a cigarette, listened to nature, meditated on top of my car, read under a tree, and once ready to go, started whistling happily :) …I also threw away the cigarette pack, with some cigarettes still in it (a first!). Will see how long this quit session lasts. "Fuck you, peer pressure!" seems to have gotten stronger within me (I should consider quoting this to peers as well), so I might last longer this time… well, as long as, "Fuck your fuckin' theories, Kishu!" is even stronger.

In other news: taking time off Alcohol this Ramadan.