Outsourcing Teachers (Satire)

The federal government has finally decided to outsource K-12 public educators. It has become hard to afford skilled instructors due to the federal deficit, which is on the verge of crossing twenty-nine trillion dollars. Most of the money collected in taxes is going towards welfare . The battle for jobs is often won by overseas candidates because of their high reliability and low income demand compared to United States employees. This is resulting in more and more American workers being laid off. Not being able to find a job drives them to the “welfare community”.

“It took us a long time to realize this, but finally it has come to our attention that the American youth is not gaining anything in K-12 public education ,” said the Secretary of Education. “All throughout the nation, the Board of Education of numerous counties hold unnecessary meetings organized for the teachers on working days that result in hurting the students academically,” he added.

John Smith, a High School student from Georgia, stated, “Teachers almost never come to school. Even when they do come to class most of the time is wasted talking about hair do’s and nail salons. Other times the question ‘why are we even doing this?’ is given more importance than the actual course content. ” Smith’s girlfriend, Julie Sparks, exclaimed, “We never get to finish the course of study and the final average is bumped up all the time!”

Making all A’s and having a high average sounds good, but the American population is now understanding that there is no point of a 4.0 GPA when they are being lead to the welfare house due to the lack of skills, knowledge, and potential.

Recently, on the events of Easter and Holi, one of India’s major festivals, President Bush held talks with the Prime Minister of India about hiring over one million teachers. They would have to work during nights due to the time difference. It may seem like a stress to stay up all night long , but the rewards that come along with the job would convince many foreigners to become one with the “night owl” generation.

Special apartment complexes, with 24 hour wireless Internet connection and video conference devices, will be built in all the major and fastest growing cities. Each apartment complex will have a 1-800 number in the main office with a direct line given to all teachers in case students need emergency help. Also, free web space will be provided to post homework and class work. Students may also start a discussion group and/or email the teacher. The web URL will look something like www.offshore.k12.us.in/teachername. The apartment complexes will be considered “American soil.” After the initial five years of service, teachers may apply for U.S. citizenship. “The concern of America not being able to replace the declining population due to hunger and suicides, both being results of unemployment, will soon be solved,” the Secretary of State told reporters.

“We have handed the entire responsibility of teaching to India’s Department of Education,” said Cheney. “Research shows that the Indian education system is very effective. An average Indian with just a Bachelor’s degree is much more intelligent and a lot more effective and efficient in his or her work than the top Americans with a Master’s degree in their hand. ”

In a secret investigation it was discovered that the United States Department of Education will soon be shut down. “Our education department does not do anything, the results are obviously in front of us. The suggestion was given a lot of thought and the decision was made after numerous debates. We are hoping to utilize the money saved here to spend in welfare,” quoted by an anonymous source.

In India the news is already out and has been published in the major newspapers as well. An article in The Hindustan Times claims to have great ideas for “making the American public capable for today’s world.”

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh says, “Since we have been handed over the job by our good friend America, we will do it well!” It will be done just like at home. Students will be given an exorbitant amount of compulsory practice work on a daily basis. Failure in completion will not only result in a possible zero on the test but also the deduction of points from the final average.

Keeping America’s future in mind, Bush also suggested a treaty according to which capable American youths will be shipped off to India to be able to work from there since the scope here is too less. In exchange, the same number of Indians will be sent immigration letters. On asking what will be accomplished by this, the President replied, “We do need someone paying us for the jobs, don’t we? ” and finished his statement with the words, “God Bless India!”